Turkmenbashi, Crazy Dictator of Absurdistan Quiz

Answer: Leader of all ethnic Turkmen

Actually, his preferred form of address was "His Excellency Saparmurat Niyazov Turkmenbashi, President of Turkmenistan and Chairman of the Cabinet of Ministers". It's a good thing he eventually restricted smoking in Turkmenistan (after he, himself, quit), because I'm sure people ran out of breath addressing him.

Answer: All of these

Tennis star Andre Agassi was quoted in a commercial as saying "Image is everything", and Niyazov may have been listening. In his quest to forge a national identity for Turkmenistan, he liked to rename many things to build an image that either strengthened Turkmen history or himself.

He renamed all the months of the calendar, naming January after himself, while giving the other months various patriotic names, such as naming February after the flag and June, July, August, and November after various Turkmen historical figures.

He also followed in the footsteps of his Soviet personality cult predecessor Joseph Stalin in putting his name on cities, schools, and several other things, though the meteorite is probably the one that may be the most absurd.

Answer: Bread

Under Niyazov, the Turkmen word for "bread" became illegal. Instead, as an homage to the life-giving powers of both bread and mothers, he made the two synonymous. His mother's name was now the Turkmen word for bread.

Actually, in all fairness, Niyazov did not have an easy childhood, and this worship of his mother was more a worship of the image of motherhood than of his actual mother. He was an orphan, his father having died in World War II when he was a baby, while his mother and the rest of his family died in an earthquake when he was eight. He was raised in a Soviet orphanage, then eventually put in the custody of a distant relative.

He did rename the days of the week, except for Friday, which already had the Turkmen for "mother" in it, but none of them were named for people. The days of the week were named for platitudes: the good day, the blessed day, the day of recovery, etc.

Answer: The Ruhnama

"The Little Red Book" was Mao Tse-Tung's book of quotations. It is unknown if its existence and influence on the Chinese people was any factor in the writing of "The Ruhnama".

"The Rubaiyat" was a book of poetry by 11th century Persian poet Omar Khayyam.

"The Ruhnama" (also spelled "Rukhnama", and subtitled "The Book of the Soul") was a book of history, poetry, and moral teachings. When Muslim leaders refused to display the book equally with the Koran (which would be considered to be blasphemous), they often faced punishment, up to and including having their mosques destroyed.

Lest anyone question how highly Niyazov viewed himself or his book, he was quoted in 2006 as saying he had interceded with Allah to ensure that any student who read "The Ruhnama" three times would automatically get into paradise.

Answer: I'm personally against seeing my pictures and statues in the streets, but it's what the people want.

Quoted in a "60 Minutes" story, January 4, 2004. The full quote was, "If I was a worker and my president gave me all the things they have here in Turkmenistan, I would not only paint his picture, I would have his picture on my shoulder, or on my clothing. I'm personally against seeing my pictures and statues in the streets, but it's what the people want."

Answer: All of these

Niyazov decided that it would be more economical to require that soldiers handle much of Turkmenistan's healthcare system rather than using expensive trained professionals. By closing all but a few hospitals and eliminating anybody who would have any skills and education that would command any real expense, costs could be kept to an absolute minimum. As for the impact that such cuts would have on the general welfare of the people, Niyazov did not seem to be too concerned about that.

Niyazov was known to be suspicious of higher education in general, since much of the information taught in colleges and universities originated from outside Turkmen culture.

Answer: Closed all libraries outside the capital city of Ashkabat

As far as Niyazov was concerned, the only books that most Turkmen needed to read were the Koran and his "Ruhnama", not necessarily in that order, and that they should already have several copies of those books on hand in their homes, schools, workplaces, and mosques. Any other literary works were unnecessary for average Turkmen, and so the fact that they were not actively reading was not a problem.

"The Ruhnama" was taught in schools and encyclopedic knowledge of it was required to get a driver's license or to hold many jobs, so that successfully answered the literacy question, as far as Niyazov was concerned.

Answer: Canceled the pensions of one-third of the country's elderly and ordered past payments be paid back

While the three incorrect solutions would make sense for any normal country's leader to do in the face of a financial crisis, remember that this is a case where absurdity is the norm.

Turkmenistan has lots of natural gas, but has kept the export prices low, so the Ukraine, Russia, and Iran, its principal trading partners, don't look elsewhere instead. They likely had ample room to increase prices without problems, however. Their prices were extremely low in comparison to elsewhere.

Niyazov's canceling of old-age pensions and demanding that pensioners pay back pensions received in the previous two years was believed to have resulted in the premature deaths of many of Turkmenistan's elderly.

Answer: All of these

Like any good iron-fisted dictator, especially one who put out a book of moral teachings, if Niyazov didn't like it, neither should anyone else. Niyazov was fond of the tan, wheat-colored skin that most ethnic Turkmen have and felt that makeup made their faces too pale, so he outlawed the makeup. Niyazov didn't like beards or long hair on men, so nobody could have them. Especially offensive to Niyazov was lip-syncing, and to ensure that couldn't happen as well as to promote indigenous Turkmen music against outside negative influences, all recorded music was banned.

Answer: 99.9%

Results were similar to Soviet era elections. Opposition was not tolerated, and as such, he ran unopposed. Voters were expected to vote in favor of Niyazov, and they did.

Such elections must have been too much of a cliffhanger for him, however, because in 1999, the parliamentary elections were held, with only handpicked candidates from Niyazov's party running, and after they were elected unanimously, Niyazov was declared president for life. In doing so, Turkmenistan was the first former Soviet republic to abandon free elections, no surprise since Niyazov, the only leader an independent Turkmenistan had ever seen, was the last Soviet head of the Communist party.