De-Myth-tifying Australian Myths Quiz

Answer: Gidday mate

It's hard to comprehend how, when overseas entertainment shows portray Australians in movies, television, stage or radio, they always have us saying "Gidday, mate" to all and sundry. Consequently whenever we now meet anyone from overseas, that person, with a broad smile, immediately says "Geedai, moite!" to us in an excruciating attempt at copying our excruciating accent.

They obviously think that this is a traditional form of welcome in this country. Let me hasten to assure you otherwise. While it is true that a certain percentage of the male population here do tend to pepper conversations with a "mate" here and a "mate" there, everywhere a "mate, mate", the far greater percentage of Australians, especially the women, do not. Of those who do use the word frequently, it is usually because they have forgotten the proper name of the person to whom they are speaking.

Answer: Didgeridoo

A didgeridoo is a type of wind based musical instrument made and used by Australian aboriginal men for approximately two thousand years before European people arrived on these shores. It takes a great deal of skill to play and produce its haunting but soothing droning sound, and quite beautiful to hear when played correctly. This instrument can be immensely long, up to ten feet in fact, but the average one seen today is usually only about four feet in length. Modern ones manufactured by non-aboriginal people come in materials such as fibreglass, metal or pottery. These are not real didgeridoos. The only true one is made from a hardwood tree that has been hollowed out by termites. It is tapped to make sure the correct sound is produced, and, if so, the tree is chopped down and shaped and trimmed around the hollow until the desired size is reached.

Playing this instrument requires a special breathing technique that is extraordinarily difficult to achieve. The musician breathes in through the nose and out through the mouth at the same time down into the tube. Known as circular breathing, this would make your average Australian pass out from lack of oxygen. Only extremely skilled musicians can produce the correct sound. Therefore, not only have the vast majority of Australians hardly ever seen one of these genuine instruments, or own one, we couldn't play it even if we wanted to. Traditionally, only aboriginal men are allowed to play the didgeridoo. As a rule, it is considered taboo for women to do so.

Answer: Corks

A cork hat is a hat that's had pieces of string placed around its brim at intervals. A cork is fixed to the end of each piece of string. These dangle around as the wearer of this idiotic device moves. Its purpose, so it's believed, is to keep blowies out of one's face. That's blowflies for the uninitiated. Why - why - this has become part of the many myths associated with Australia never ceases to amaze me. Perhaps there may have been one or two people who wore these once, or even in cases of extreme intoxication, wear them today, but this is to be seriously doubted. I suspect, if so, that it's a case of bragging about the consumed contents of the bottles from which the corks were produced more than anything else. Or a joke, played on overseas visitors, that's backfired on us all.

However, I promise each and every one of you taking this quiz today that nobody wears these contrivances as a matter of course here. Nobody. The very idea is laughable.

Answer: Crikey

Another myth that persists in spite of all protests to the contrary is the use of that word. We just don't use it on an everyday basis, if at all. It was made popular by the lovely Steve Irwin (1962-2006) in his series of crocodile hunting television shows which took off in many countries around the world. Why he used it himself is a matter of debate.

He was a gentle, caring person very conscious of his show's appeal to children. This may have been a word he used to substitute for more colourful terms, whenever an exclamation of astonishment was required. Australians are renowned for their free use of profanity as a rule, it's true, we appear to use them as normal adjectives, but "Crikey" is definitely not a word that would be included on that long list.

Answer: Shrimp

Oh dear, it's hard to convince people of this. Paul Hogan, a noted actor and comedian from this country, is responsible for the birth of this myth, in a series of advertisements he did that went to air everywhere overseas, and in which he tells everyone to "Chuck another shrimp on the barbie". We do not, not quite possibly have we ever, cooked shrimps on a barbecue. Barbecues in Australia are replete with sausages, lovely sizzling steaks, rissoles even, and heaps of yummy barbecued, almost to a crisp, onions - but nary a shrimp to be seen.

It's the most peculiar thing that our overseas visitors persist in believing this myth. As a matter of fact, we don't even refer to that food as shrimp in the first place. In this country we call them prawns - but these aren't "chucked" on the unoffending barbie either.

Answer: Boomerang

Of course we've all seen boomerangs in Australia. It's a well known symbol associated with our country, and with our indigenous people in particular. However, we don't all own one and nor do we carry them around with us in our pockets. They wouldn't fit for a start, and quite possibly could have us arrested if so.

A boomerang is quite a dangerous weapon in the hands of the wrong person. Indigenous Australians introduced this device to European Australians. Commonly believed to be all made out of wood, some were actually made from bone as well. Nor do all boomerangs return to the thrower. That is another common misconception.

There are returning and non-returning ones, each with a different design, and used for different purposes. They're quite brilliantly designed really, particularly so the returning ones with the curves shaped so that the boomerang spins around in a huge arc and returns to the hands of the sender.

It also takes a great deal of skill to throw it correctly. Last time I tried to throw a boomerang and have it return to me, I almost decapitated the cat.

Answer: Outback

Nobody in their right mind would want to live that far from civilisation. The vast majority of Australians live along the coastal regions of our land, particularly so down the east and south-east areas of the country. Smaller areas along the west coast are also peopled to the same extent. Population density then thins out more and more the further inland one goes.

The centre of Australia has hardly any people at all. It's comprised of several enormous deserts, with an extremely low annual rainfall.

The bush is a term that refers to areas where our farming communities live. The desolate outback is even more isolated than the bush. It is home to kangaroos, emus, the occasional dingo, and huge areas of lonely cattle stations with very sparse grassland. Unbearably lonely, with hundreds of miles between houses in a good area, those isolated families can sometimes go for months without seeing another person face to face. Nobody but the toughest souls can endure that dreadful isolation for long. Australians are not, I promise you, busting with enthusiasm to go and live in the outback.

Answer: Kangaroos

Another well known symbol of our country is the kangaroo, with this animal being the most readily identified bit of Australiana of all. Sorry to say, however, they aren't seen gaily leaping down our city streets at any given time of the day. They're very seldom seen in the cities at all, only in zoos. On the country highways is another matter entirely. Driving at dusk and as the sun rises every day are very dangerous times for drivers.

These are the times of day when a kangaroo is most liable to leap in front of a car, with disastrous results both for the vehicle and the animal itself.

It is almost always killed, and the force of the blow can sometimes do incredible damage to a car. Should you ever be unlucky enough to hit a kangaroo like that in this country, please stop and make sure that there isn't a little joey in its pouch. If you do happen to find a now motherless little creature there, please wrap it up warmly in a jumper or a towel, and take it to a vet in the next town you drive through.

Answer: Crocodiles

Crikey! No way, mate! These creatures are ferociously and deadly dangerous. Fortunately, they only inhabit the far north regions of our country. We have two types here though, the freshwater and the saltwater ones. Freshwater crocodiles will seldom attack a human unless cornered, so they tell us. Tell that to the marines I say.

Avoid them all and don't hang around long enough to ask if they prefer a salt free diet. It's the saltwater crocodile that is really dangerous. These are huge monsters, reaching up to twenty-five feet in length and can weigh almost two tons.

They're deadly predators that hide unseen, silently and still, waiting for home delivered meals to come to their door. When they attack, it's with a dazzling and terrible speed, and their prey has no chance to get away. Only the extremely foolish treat these creatures lightly.

They're not our backyard playmates or co-stars in television shows. They're killers and we avoid them like the plague.

Answer: Cooee

The saints preserve us, even wikipedia believes we all holler out "Cooee!" whenever we're trying to locate someone or draw attention to ourselves. They've described it as "a shout used in Australia, usually in the Bush, to attract attention, find missing people, or indicate one's location. When done correctly - loudly and shrilly - a call of "cooee" can carry over a considerable distance". It's enough to make a person sob with frustration. Taking each of those points in turn then: (1) Naturally, calling out cooee is going to attract attention. People will probably turn around and wonder who's the idiot calling out cooee. (2) How is calling cooee supposed to make a missing person come any faster than actually calling the person's name? (3) Why is calling cooee supposed to indicate one's location any better than hollering "Here I am!"? (4) Calling out anything loudly and shrilly is going to travel over considerable distance. It doesn't have to be a dopey cooee, now does it?

Lord bless us, I've had enough of these myths, mate. Crikey, I'm going to get dressed, making sure I put my boomerang in my pocket, my cork hat on my head, sling my didgeridoo over my shoulder, head for the nearest pub in the outback to toss a few shrimps on some idiot's barbie, whoever she is, then catch a kangaroo taxi back into town to be home in time to go a few rounds in the local crocodile wrestling competition in an attempt to win the cooee cup.