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1. Dear Lord,
I know it is disrespectful to criticize the one that has given me life, so to speak, but I really must take exception to the way Mr. Clemens has portrayed me in that book he is writing. Father, you know that I'd never be interested in such a common boy, especially one with so little artistic talent. His drawings show no appreciation of aesthetics or style. And Father, he already had the same kind of arrangement with that other girl, Amy, as the one he was trying to make with me. The nerve! Well, if I were at death's door I wouldn't have another thing to do with that boy, even if he were the last man on Earth.
Despite this, I've heard Mr. Clemens (or Twain, as he calls himself) is thinking of having us fall in love and have a life together, sort of mimicking the great luck he himself had with his lady love. Can't he see that it isn't fair to impose his wife's blind spots on me? Well, I guess I'd better get back into bed, I actually do seem to be coming down with something.
Thanks for allowing me to air my worries,
Your faithful servant
Which character and work are being referred to in this fictional letter to the Lord?
2. Dearest Heavenly Father,
I hesitate to even bother you with such a trifling request. Miss Margaret has really gone too far in her portrayal of me in her overly bloated epic novel about the last gasp of the Southern Confederacy. Yes, I try to honor you and see the best in everyone I meet, but that doesn't mean that I am a mealy-mouthed, mousey little thing. I have as much fire and liveliness as my sister-in-law, who I do love dearly, no matter what the other women say. Poor darling, she's so misunderstood. But the point is, so am I! I beseech you to help the author wrap up her story and capture the nobility and delicate passion of my love for my husband while she's at it.
Apologetically yours,
Mrs. W.
Which character and work are being referred to in this hypothetical epistle to Heaven?
3. Father in the Heavens,
Bard shmard, he's really gone too far this time. I know everyone thinks Will walks on water when it comes to the turn of a phrase, but really, to have me talk to a skull. Why couldn't I just speak to Horatio about my deceased friend without having to hold his cold dead head in my hands? Is that too much to ask? It is just a gruesome touch that is not at all necessary. I hope W. S. reconsiders and makes me act more normal, but I guess only time will tell what I am to be in this work, or not to be, for that matter.
Fondly,
Your humble servant
4. Dear Savior and Lord,
I beseech you to influence Ms. Rice to be more objective in her writing. Of all things, she is claiming that I have become one of those horrible creatures of the night, when nothing could be further from the truth. Yes, I do at times wake up with blood on my garments, but that is only from slaying the vermin and rats that I find have overrun our family plantation. Never would I ever harm a human, and it is blasphemous of that hack author to claim that Your divine protection would abandon me in the event of an attack by such a demonic being as Lestat. Oh, no, I see him approaching another young creature, and this one is just a slip of a girl. I must save her from his evil influence.
Yours,
L.
Which character from "Interview with the Vampire" is the author of this letter?
5. Oh, God...
Are you even there? My mom would have said yes, but she was so square and out of touch. I'm glad she's gone now, and I can be on my own. Well almost on my own, because I'm still with H.H., and he is pretty creepy. The way he looks at me when I chew gum, or walk around, or do practically anything--it's just strange... Or at least kind of icky, if you know what I mean.
I just want to say, if you're there, and if you can change anything in terms of the writer's style... Maybe he could use my voice for some of the chapters, instead of just old-fogey Mr. Creeper's... I'm talking about H.H., you get that, right?
Anyway, I'm just saying, I wouldn't use words that are made up, like "nymphet," because what is that even supposed to mean? Sounds like a baby mermaid or a fish or something...
Give it a thought, if you have time, and if you even worry about stuff like this.
Later,
Dolores
What is the nickname of the twelve-year old protagonist and author of this fictional note to God, a name given to her by her step-father, and the narrator of the novel by the same name?
6. God in Heaven!
It's all rubbish! And believe me, if I were writing to anyone but you, I'd probably call it something much worse. I'm not even sure I believe in you, especially after what happened to my mother and sister, despite my efforts to protect them.
And now you've gone and let this hack Larsson write my story, and use a stuffy old male character's voice to tell most of it. So of course what the jerk fixates on is the sex, and the tattoos, and the fact that I'm a circus freak who remembers everything I've ever seen in written form.
Now if I were telling the story, it would sound much different. I wouldn't hold anything back, and I'd call people what they deserve to be called....
I guess it's okay this way, though, because it would probably never get finished if I were telling the story... I certainly wouldn't have enough dedication or interest to write three books about myself.
It's still frustrating though,
Me
What is the name of author Stieg Larsson's heroine? She played the central role in the three novels that he wrote before his untimely death in 2004.
7. Dear God,
I know, I know, I'm just a dog, but I think both of us realize that there's nothing wrong with my talking to you, either on the written page or through my thoughts and gestures. It's only when I'm talking to humans that things get complicated. And I guess that's what I'm complaining about, a little, with this note.
You know I would do anything for Danny, anything at all, but Garth Stein just hasn't gotten my voice right. I know he's trying, but he's looking at things from the outside, and with his very human brain. Some things that I just take for granted, he feels the need to explain, and with a particularly homo sapiens bias that doesn't ring true.
So what's to be done, you ask? Right, good question. Well, since it is a book for humans, I guess having a human write as if he were me is an inevitable necessity. Could you help him dream like a dog for a few nights? Maybe then he will get what it feels like to be a canine and not be so condescending in how he writes... Yes, I know I am ready to come back as a human next time around, and yes, I would give anything to be able to really speak instead of having to act things out, but I do love being me... And I know I'll still be me in whatever form I come back in next time too... That's the part that I want Stein to understand.
Thanks for listening,
E.
What novel, written by Garth Stein, is lucky enough to have Enzo the dog as its protagonist and narrator (and as the author of this fanciful note to God)?
8. Big Guy in the Sky,
Okay, I know that sounds a bit disrespectful, but no harm meant, really. I'm actually serious about writing this letter and trying to get some help from you. This dude Salinger, I don't know where he gets off writing as if he were me. It's bad enough that he had to use my real name, which I hate, by the way, but then he has to go and use a style that no one my age would ever use, so I sound even more like a jerk than if I'd tried to write the story myself.
To be honest, I'd rather it didn't get written at all. Who needs to analyze my meandering thoughts and musings... Oh, no, now I'm even beginning to sound like Salinger instead of myself. Please, you've gotta do something about this. Who knows what I'll do otherwise. That is not a threat, but I am at the end of my rope...
Sorry,
H.C.
What is the name J.D. Salinger's famous novel about teenaged angst?
9. Dear Father,
Ms. Harper has gotten it wrong. While it is true that I am naturally taciturn and prefer not to speak, that doesn't mean that I am impaired in any way. Over the years, I have had many more conversations with those two Finch children than Ms. Lee implies in her book. I wouldn't want the people reading the story (which is otherwise very true to life) to think that I was retarded or anything.
Please see what you can do to get her to include something noteworthy or redemptive about my character before she gets to the end of the novel.
Gratefully yours,
Arthur
This letter could have been written by Boo Radley, the protagonist of "To Kill a Mockingbird." True or false?
10. Dear Father of Us All,
I almost hesitate to write, as this might sound petty, but you would think that a female author, or an authoress, if you will, would appreciate my position more. After all, we are both women, both outcasts from our own natural spheres, and both of us are blessed with exceptional intelligence and fortitude (for which we thank You).
With all of this in common, I am amazed that Ms. Rowling has me playing third fiddle to that pair of buffoons, Harry and Ron. Please don't think me ungrateful, I do actually love them both, but really, my story would make a much better central theme for these seven initial books in the Hogwarts series than does Harry's, or even Ron's.
Maybe I'm just over-tired from studying all night and from trying to manage being in two places at once. I'll try to get a good night's sleep and see if things look more balanced in the morning.
Thanks for listening and for never judging me.
H.
Who is the author (or authoress, to borrow her term) of this mistaken missive to the Mighty Lord of All?
Source: Author
shuehorn
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looney_tunes before going online.
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