Anatomy of a Song: "Ernie (Fastest Milkman)" Quiz

Answer: Milk cart

"You could hear the hoof beats pound as they raced across the ground,
And the clatter of the wheels as they spun 'round and 'round,
And he galloped into Market Street, his badge upon his chest,
His name was Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west"

"Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West)" was released by Benny Hill in 1971, and became the U.K. #1 song at Christmas time in that year.

Answer: 22 Liddley Lane

"Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue,
She lived all alone in Liddley Lane at number 22"

Benny makes good use of alliteration in this verse with an abundance of L's: "lived all alone in Liddley Lane".

Market Street is mentioned in the song's first verse "And he galloped into Market Street". 111 Station Road is where the author lived as a child! I do remember milk deliveries, but not from a horse and cart.

Answer: 3 times

"They said she was too good for him, she was haughty, proud and chic,
But Ernie got his cocoa there three times every week"

There is an interesting use of euphemism by Benny Hill in the line "But Ernie got his cocoa there three times every week". As a child I recall hearing that line and thinking "That's nice, she always has a nice hot cup of Cocoa waiting for him". Ha ha, if only I had known what I was actually being told!

Answer: Pasteurised

"She said she'd like to bathe in milk, he said, "All right, sweetheart,"
And when he'd finished work one night he loaded up his cart,
He said, "D'you want it pasteurised?, 'Cause pasteurised is best"

In the comedy style so favoured by Benny Hill, the listener is titillated by the suggestion that something kinky is happening: "She said she'd like to bathe in milk".

Answer: Chest

"He said, "D'you want it pasteurized?, 'Cause pasteurized is best,"
She says, "Ernie, I'll be happy if it comes up to my chest"

The song continues: "That tickled old Ernie". Once more the audience is slightly titillated by the inferences within the lyrics.

Answer: Evil

"Now Ernie had a rival, an evil looking man,
Called Two-Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the baker's van"

There is more tautology from Benny in this line: "Two-Ton Ted from Teddington". Until I researched this quiz I did not realise the relevance of this lyric. Benny lived in a flat at 7 Fairwater House, Twickenham Road, Teddington.

Answer: The size of his hot meat pies

"He tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread,
And when she seen the size of his hot meat pies it very near turned her head.

Yes, Ted's tarts and tasty bread impressed Sue, but the size of his hot meat pies was what really made her heart pound!

Answer: Layer cake

"She nearly swooned at his macaroon and he said, "If you treat me right,
You'll have hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night",
He knew once she sampled his layer cake he'd have his wicked way,
And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day"

The innuendo is unstoppable! In the grand tradition of 60s and 70s British comedy, the inferences were none too subtle. Interesting in this verse is the use of the word crumpet. Traditionally a slang British term denoting a 'woman regarded as a sex object' (its first recorded use is 1936), it is validly used here within the context of being a treat being offered by Ted the Baker. I think it was also used as a reverse reference to Sue.

Answer: 4.30 pm

"One lunch time Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door,
It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four"

Benny Hill's real name was Alfred Hawthorn Hill. He changed his first name to Benny in recognition of the U.S. comedian, Jack Benny. Conversely, it is recorded that Charlie Chaplin was a huge fan of Benny Hill.

Answer: He kicks Ernie's horse

"One lunch time Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door,
It drove him mad to find it was still there at half past four,
And as he leapt down from his van hot blood through his veins did course,
And he went across to Ernie's cart and didn't half kick his 'orse"

The Benny Hill show ran in various formats between 1955 and 1989, for the first fourteen years on the BBC and thereafter on Thames Television. In addition, Benny appeared in (among others) "Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines", "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" and "The Italian Job", in which his role was very closely aligned to his 'normal' Benny Hill characterisations.

Answer: Trigger

"And he went across to Ernie's cart and didn't half kick his 'orse,
Whose name was Trigger, and he pulled the fastest milk cart in the west"

Apart from being a milk-horse, Trigger was also the name of Roy Rogers' famous palamino. Trigger's original name was Golden Cloud.

Black Beauty (full name: "Black Beauty: The Autobiography of a Horse") was Anna Sewell's only novel, told in first-person perspective by the horse of the same name.

Secretariat was an American Thoroughbred racehorse in the 70s and 80s. Secretariat won the 1973 Triple Crown, the first horse to do so in 25 years. He was known as "Big Red" because of his size and chestnut color.

Phar Lap, a giant chestnut gelding, is a revered Australian national icon. Phar Lap was found dead in the U.S. in 1932 amid circumstances which, to this day, continue to attract conspiracy theorists like moths to a flame.

Answer: Playing cards

"Now Ernie rushed out into the street, his gold top in his hand,
He said, "If you wanna marry Susie you'll fight for her like a man",
"Oh why don't we play cards for her?" he sneeringly replied,
"And just to make it interesting we'll have a shilling on the side"

This is a lovely piece of verse which underlines Ted's nastiness (in Ernie's mind, at least). Ernie's gallant proposal of a duel for Susie is met with a putdown, with Ted suggesting that even a game of cards alone would not really be worth his time and effort. He ups the ante by suggesting a shilling as an additional wager. The insultingly small amount is reminiscent of what was to follow in the Eddie Murphy movie "Trading Places", where the Duke Brothers ruin two people's lives over a bet of...one dollar.

Answer: Strawberry

"Now Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun,
They stood there face to face, and Ted went for his bun,
But Ernie was too quick, things didn't go the way Ted planned,
And a strawberry-flavoured yogurt sent it spinning from his hand"

Benny evokes some great imagery of the wild west in this verse ("beneath the blazing sun, they stood there face to face", overlaid with the fantastic satire of "Ted reaching for his bun" (as if he had in in a holster by his side), and Ernie managing to beat Ted to the draw with the yoghurt!

Answer: Stale pork pie

"Now Susie ran between them and tried to keep them apart,
As Ernie, he pushed her aside and a rock cake caught him underneath his heart,
And he looked up in pained surprise and the concrete hardened crust,
Of a stale pork pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the dust"

This verse is amusing to listen to, as the second line is about four or five syllables too long! For the sake of the story, the words get included, and as things are very frenetic by this stage, it doesn't seem out of place. If you listen carefully, Benny works so hard to get the words in, he misses the 'n' in underneath, pronouncing it as 'undereath'.

As an aside, it is in this verse that we find that Ted is indeed the phoney we all thought he would be - his products are not fresh: "concrete hardened crust of a stale pork pie".

Answer: Yes

"But a woman's needs are many fold and Sue, she married Ted"

Boo! I never liked the ending to the song! I guess I associated more with the underdog.

"Ernie was only 52, he didn't wanna die,
And now he's gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky,
Where the customers are angels and ferocious dogs are banned,
And the milkman's life is full of fun in that fairy, dairy land"

That's a great piece of imagery. Ernie has gone to a place where milkmen can be eternally happy. I particularly like "ferocious dogs are banned" and "the milkman's life is full of fun in that fairy, dairy land".

The song ends:

"But a woman's needs are many fold and Sue, she married Ted,
But strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed
Was that the trees a-rustling? Or the hinges of the gate?
Or Ernie's ghostly gold tops a-rattling in their crate?
They won't forget Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west"

Benny Hill was 68 when he died on 19 April 1992 of coronary thrombosis. I hope he found his fairy-dairy land.