What's Love Got To Do With It? Quiz

Answer: The Rape of the Sabine Women

When Rome was founded by Romulus and Remus in 753 BC, most of their followers were single men. More men flocked to the newly founded city, but very few women. A neighboring tribe, the Sabines, refused to allow their women to intermarry with the Romans. So the Romans invited them to a feast, grabbed some of the women, and ran off with them. This displeased the Sabines no end, and a series of wars followed. Finally, in the midst of one battle, the Sabine women intervened and stopped the fighting. They were quite happy as Roman wives, and wanted their husbands and kinsmen to stop all this nonsense. Eventually, the Romans and the Sabines merged to become one people, and everybody lived happily ever after.

By the way, the word "rape" may be misleading here. In this context it doesn't mean sexual assualt, but to steal, or carry away (Alexander Pope used the word in this way in the title of his famous poem, "The Rape of the Lock"). The Romans didn't force themselves upon their captives; the Sabine ladies entered into matrimony with them voluntarily.

Answer: A tomb

And a magnificent tomb it was! So magnificent that we still use the word "mausoleum" to refer to an above ground burial chamber. It was built of marble and was 148 ft. high, and lavishly decorated with carvings and statues. Sadly, not much of it remains today; it was destroyed by an earthquake around AD 1304, and most of the stones were used to to build a nearby castle. Still, archeologists have discovered many beautiful statues and carvings at the site, some of which are in the British Museum. Grant's Tomb in New York City was modeled after the Mausoleum at Halicarnassus.

Answer: Took off her top

Well, sometimes a girl just "has to do what a girl has to do". Hypereides is said to have dramatically removed her robe at a crucial point in the trial, and after the members of the jury got a glimpse of her charms, they acquitted her "out of pity." Pity? Yeah, right. By the way, Hypereides was said to be one of her lovers as well, so he probably knew in advance how powerful the evidence would be. Some sources doubt the truth of this story, and say Phryne merely burst into tears and clasped each juror by the hand, begging for mercy. But I like the first version better.

We may not approve of Phryne's chosen profession, but there's no doubt that she was good at what she did. Besides Praxiteles and Hypereides, she is said to have captivated the painter, Apelles, who often painted her as Venus. She was rumored to have become so rich that when Alexander the Great destroyed the walls of her home town of Thebes, she paid to have them rebuilt.

In passing, it might be noted that "Phryne" is Greek for "toad." Seems a strange name for the ancient world's biggest sex symbol!

Answer: Abelard and Heloise

Peter Abelard was born in Brittany in 1079. He studied in Paris, and soon became one of the most popular lecturers and debaters in Europe. Around the year 1117 he became the tutor of Heloise, a young woman who was renowned for her learning, and who was living with her uncle, a man named Fulbert. Actually, she wasn't that young; she was probably in her mid-20s. People being what they are, it wasn't long before Abelard stopped teaching Heloise about Aristotle, and began teaching her the Kama Sutra. Fulbert caught the couple "in flagrante delicto," and was none too pleased. By this time Heloise was pregnant. She was packed off to Brittany to live with Abelard's relatives until her child (which turned out to be a boy) was due.

Well, Abelard did what any man who has absolutely no other choice would do: he offered to marry Heloise. Amazingly, it was Heloise who opposed the marriage; she thought it would hinder her lover's career. But this was the 12th century, so married they were. It was a secret wedding, and Fulbert promised to keep it quiet. But pretty soon he was bragging that his niece was married to the famous Abelard. When asked about the marriage, Heloise publicly denied the whole thing, at which point Fulbert gave her a sound thrashing. Perhaps concerned for his wife's safety, Abelard sent Heloise to the convent of Argenteuil.

For reasons that are not quite clear, packing Heloise off to a convent sent Fulbert into a rage. So he decided to take revenge on Abelard. He gathered some men who burst into Abelard's room one night, and, in Abelard's own words: "amputated from my body those parts with which I had done what they complained of." Again, it's not clear if these men were Heloise's kinsmen, Fulbert's servants, or some ruffians he had hired to do the deed. I doubt it made much difference to Abelard at the time.

Well, it was pretty much downhill after that. Abelard became a monk, Heloise was forced to become a nun, and both were pretty miserable. They continued to correspond with each other, and several of their letters survive. From them we learn that Heloise spent a lot of her time recalling their carnal exploits in a most un-nunly fashion, while Abelard encouraged her to think about more spiritual matters. Considering the circumstances, you can hardly blame him for that.

Abelard died in 1142; Heloise outlived him by more than 20 years. In 1817, their remains were placed together in a tomb in the Père Lachaise Cemetery in Paris. Even this is disputed, since several other places also claim to hold their remains.

Remember their son? They named him - I kid you not - Astrolabe. And you thought only movie stars and musicians gave their children stupid names.

Answer: Emma Hamilton

She was born Amy Lyon in 1765, the daughter of a blacksmith. Her father died when she was very young. At age 15 she became the mistress of Sir Harry Featherstonhaugh, and had a child by him, which she gave up to be raised by strangers. She then changed her name to Emma Hart, and became the mistress of the Lord of the Treasury, Charles Francis Greville. Greville soon tired of her, and pawned her off on his uncle, Sir William Hamilton, the British Ambassador to the Kingdom of Naples. Emma and Sir William were married in 1791, when he was 60 and she was 26.

Emma and Sir William seem to have gotten along quite well, despite the great difference in their ages. She and Nelson first met in 1793, but probably did not begin their affair until 1798, when he returned to Naples after losing an arm and most of his teeth. Emma helped nurse Nelson back to health, and soon became his lover. Sir William, who admired Nelson, didn't mind a bit that his wife was carrying on an affair with the famous sailor. All three of them seem to have liked each other, and the menage-a-trois didn't bother any of them.

The Hamiltons returned to England in 1800, and formed a rather unusual household, with Emma, her husband, her mother, and Nelson all living happily together under the same roof. In 1801, Emma gave birth to Nelson's only surviving child, a daughter named Horatia. Sir William died in 1803, leaving Emma a pension of 800 pounds a year. He even left a bequest to her mother. If only all husbands would adopt such a reasonable attitude.

After Sir William's death, the couple were still not free to marry; there was the inconvenient fact that Nelson still had a wife. Before he could secure a divorce, he was killed at the Battle of Trafalgar. As Nelson was dying, he supposedly said: "Remember that I leave Lady Hamilton and my daughter Horatia as a legacy to my country. Never forget Horatia." This is rather strange, because in his will, he left the bulk of his estate to his brother.

Despite the fact that Nelson was a national hero and idolized in Great Britain, the country made no provision for his mistress or his daughter. Emma soon found herself deeply in debt, and had to flee to France to avoid her creditors. She died in poverty in 1815.

There are many contemporary portraits of Emma Hamilton, and, even by today's standards, she was quite a looker. Whatever her faults, she seems to have been a kind and good-natured woman, who probably deserved a better hand than Fate dealt her. In 1941, a highly fictionalized account of her life was made into a film starring Laurence Olivier and Vivien Leigh called "That Hamilton Woman."

Another bit of off-the-wall information: the British pronounce Featherstonhaugh as "Fanshaw." And they have the nerve to criticize how Americans talk.

Answer: Believe Me, If All Those Endearing Young Charms

The marriage was an unusual one for the time; for one thing, Moore was an Irish Catholic, and his wife was an English protestant. Even more unusual is the fact that she brought no dowry to the marriage; it was a true love match.

Supposedly, when he returned to his wife after an absence of several years, she locked herself in her bedroom and begged him to go away. When Moore learned the cause of his wife's strange behavior, he sat up all night and wrote the words to the song, which he set to a traditional Irish melody. When she heard it, they were blissfully reunited. In case you haven't heard the song, it goes something like this:

Believe me, if all those endearing young charms,
Which I gaze on so fondly today,
Were to change by tomorrow and fleet in my arms,
Like fairy gifts fading away,
Thou wouldst still be adored, as this moment thou art,
Let thy loveliness fade as it will;
And around the dear ruin each wish of my heart
Would entwine itself verdantly still.

Like all good stories, there are those who say it isn't true. But it does sound plausible. We know that Moore and his wife remained happily married until Moore's death in 1852, enduring poverty, ill-health, and the death of all five of their children.

If it is true, then shame on Thomas Moore for setting such a high standard for the rest of us to follow.

Answer: Lola Montez

It's difficult to explain how Lola Montez became one of the most successful courtesans in history. Her surviving photographs do not show her to have been a great beauty. Maybe she just had the right attitude.

Lola Montez was born on February 17, 1821 in Grange, County Sligo. She was born into a respectable family; her father was an army officer, and her mother was the daughter of a member of Parliament. Her father died when she was young, and she was raised by various relatives in England and Scotland. When she was 16, she eloped with an army lieutenant named Thomas James. He was posted to India, and after five years of marriage, Lola left him and returned to England, where she commenced her stage career. Her first recorded performance was in June, 1843, where she was billed as "Lola Montez, the Spanish dancer."

Lola's specialty was something called "the spider dance." She would pretend to be bitten by a spider, fall to the ground, and writhe in a way that inspired the admiration of the male members of her audience.

Lola soon left England for the Continent, where she became the mistress of Franz Liszt, and later Alexandre Dumas. After another of her lovers was killed in a duel, she left France and set off for Germany. By now she was styling herself "Señora Maria de los Dolores Porris y Montez." She was denied a license to perform at the National Theater in Munich due to her scandalous reputation. She sought a meeting with King Ludwig I. He granted her a private audience, and after she danced for him, he inquired if her bosom was real. Instead of making reply, she grabbed a pair of scissors, or a letter opener (there is disagreement on this point), and cut open the top of her dress, allowing the king to judge for himself. She got his permission to perform in public. Not only that, but within a matter of a few weeks, Ludwig had purchased her a villa, at a cost of a million and a half marks!

Well, it wasn't long before she had Ludwig twisted around her little finger, or perhaps some other part of her anatomy. She convinced him that her "noble Spanish blood" was worthy of a title of some sort. Ludwig decided to make her the Countess of Landsfeld. There was just one problem. Before she could become a countess, she first had to become a Bavarian citizen. Ludwig's Council of Ministers refused to go along with the idea, so he dismissed them and appointed a more agreeable Council. It's good to be the king.

Lola certainly seems to have made King Ludwig happy. But she was looked down upon by the Bavarian nobility and upper classes. Many students at the university also denounced her, but there she had her supporters as well. She was said to have tried to convince Ludwig to introduce liberal reforms into the government. In 1848, riots broke out between the various student factions, and there were riots in Munich. Ludwig was forced to abdicate, and Lola had to flee to Switzerland. Although they never saw each other again, Ludwig continued to send her a generous allowance for three years.

Lola eventually returned to London where she married a man named George Trafford Heald, but she soon tired of him and lit off for the United States. In San Francisco she acquired yet another husband, but he didn't last long, either. In 1855, she left for a tour of Australia, where she managed to shock the locals with her dance routine. In 1856 she returned to America, eventually settling in New York City, where she died of pneumonia on January 17, 1861 at the age of 39.

Answer: Isidor and Ida Straus

Isidor Straus was born in Germany in 1845. He immigrated to the United States at the age of nine, and in 1895 he and his brother, Nathan, had acquired enough money to purchase Macy's department store in New York City.

Although he was offered a seat in one of the lifeboats, Straus refused to take it, as there were still women and children who needed saving. He told one of the survivors: "I will not go before the other men." His wife also refused to board one of the lifeboats. She gave her fur coat to her maid, and told her: "I will not be separated from my husband. As we have lived, so will we die, together." They were last seen standing on the deck of the sinking vessel, arm in arm.

Isidor's body was later recovered and buried in Woodlawn Cemetery in New York City; Ida's body was never found.

Answer: Maud Gonne

Maud Gonne seems an unlikely choice for the shy, high-strung Yeats' obsession. Born in England in 1866, Maud wasn't exactly a shrinking violet. Yeats first proposed to her in 1891, but Maud turned him down. Instead, she went to Paris, where she had not one, but two, illegitimate children with French politician Lucien Millevoye. This might have deterred most Victorians, but not Yeats. After she left Millevoye, he proposed to her again in 1899, 1900 and 1901. No dice. Then, in 1903, she married John McBride, a man Yeats described as a "drunken, vain-glorious lout." McBride would be executed after the failed Easter Rebellion in 1916; their son, Sean McBride, would win the Nobel Peace Prize in 1974.

Her marriage to McBride lasted only a couple of years; they were separated in 1905. In 1908, Yeats and Gonne finally got around to having sex, at least once. Evidently the earth didn't move for Maud, because soon afterwards she wrote to him: "I have prayed so hard to have all earthly desire taken from my love for you and dearest, loving you as I do, I have prayed and I am praying still that the bodily desire for me may be taken from you too." In other words, "I really like you, but not in that way."

By now, most guys would have taken the hint. Not Yeats. After Maud's estranged husband was executed in 1916, Yeats proposed to her yet again! And was turned down again. So he did what any normal guy would do: he proposed to her daughter, Iseult (Yeats was 51, and Iseult was 22). She turned him down, too.

Yeats did eventually find someone who agreed to marry him, and settled down and had children. Maud was active in the Irish War of Independence, and supported the Anti-Treaty side in the Irish Civil War. She died in 1953 at age 86.

Answer: Jack Benny

Although born in Chicago, Jack Benny considered Waukegan to be his home town, and often joked about it in his act. He was the son of Jewish immigrants who encouraged him to take violin lessons as a boy. He was a poor student, and dropped out of school at an early age. At 17, he began playing the violin at local vaudeville theatres.

Because of his work in vaudeville, Benny became friendly with Zeppo Marx, one of the famous Marx Brothers. Jack and Zeppo celebrated Passover at the home of one of Zeppo's friends, and it was there that Jack met 14 year-old Sadie Marks. They met again a few years later, while he was performing in vaudeville, but the only word he said to her was "hello." They must have been fated to get together, because they met a third time when she was working as a salesgirl at May's Department Store in Los Angeles. They went out several times, but continued to see other people; Sadie even got engaged to someone else. Jack begged her to come to Chicago, where he told her she was too young to get married. Since she was nearly 22, this argument didn't work. Jack then confessed he was in love with her, and asked her to marry him. When she pointed out that he had just told her that she was too young to get married, he replied, "You're not too young to marry me!" If you've ever been in love, all of this will make perfect sense.

Jack and Sadie were married in 1927. By 1932, Benny had left vaudeville for radio, and one night an actress hired to play the part of a girl named Mary Livingstone, who was supposed to be his biggest fan, failed to show up. Jack called his wife and asked her to fill in. She was so popular that she became a regular part of his act, and eventually legally changed her name to Mary Livingstone.

Despite her success, Mary never really enjoyed performing; she suffered from severe stage fright. After Jack moved to television, she eventually retired from show business altogether.

Jack Benny died of pancreatic cancer on December 26, 1974. In his will, he stipulated that each day a single long-stemmed rose be sent to his wife for as long as she lived. Mary died of a heart attack in 1983, a few days after her 78th birthday. Jack and Mary are buried side-by-side at Hillside Memorial Park in Culver City, California.