The Fantabulous Eddie Izzard: "Dress to Kill" Quiz

Answer: "She's going to Alcatraz for stealing hubcaps."

"What a hellish crime!" Mr. Izzard exclaims. The first segment of "Dress to Kill" is simply tourists on their way to see the prison, Alcatraz, but the narration claims they are criminals off to serve their sentence in torture. Very funny!

Answer: wheel

"The prisoners are led off, off to Alcatraz." The film is showing two maintenance guys checking the trolley after the tourists have disembarked, with Eddie Izzard's narration continuing the description of the horrors that lie ahead.

Answer: The monkey is drinking coffee.

"Le singe est disparu. (The monkey is gone.)" Eddie said to a French person who was just passing by. "He knew my French wasn't good, so he'd go and do things." The French man told Eddie, "Ah, regarde- il est sur une bicylette. Il joue au banjo. Et il fume une pipe. Maintenant, il arręte. Il lit un journal; il a un journal. Et maintenant il est dans l'autobus! Il conduit l'autobus! Et Sandra Bullock est dans l'autobus! Il y a une bombe dans l'autobus! (Ah, look! He is on a bicycle.

He plays a banjo. And he smokes a pipe. Now, he stops.

He reads a newspaper; he has a newspaper. And now he is on the bus! He is driving the bus! And Sandra Bullock is on the bus! There is a bomb in the bus!)"

Answer: Their grandfather's arsenal

Eddie Izzard was commenting on the gun problem in America, and the National Rifle Association's stance on the issue.
"The NRA says that guns don't kill people, people do. But, I think the gun helps. Standing there going, "Bang!"- that's not going to kill too many people, is it? He'd have to be really dodgy in the heart."

Answer: For strategic sheep purposes

"After the second World War, the world said, 'Europe, give these countries back. Britain?' 'What?' 'What's that behind your back?' 'It's India and a number of other countries.' 'Give them back.' 'Oh, all right.' 'Falkland Islands.' 'Oh, we need Falkland Islands...for strategic sheep purposes.'"

Answer: matchsticks

The was Eddie's example of how British films have wonderful acting, but they're a little short on action.
"We're known in Britain for making the smaller films. Recently, we've pulled out of that with "Trainspotting" but the smaller film, we've got 'The Room With a View With a Staircase and a Pond' type movie. Films with very fine acting, but the drama is rather subdued."

Answer: Because they choose not to!

It's a political statement: they hate their national anthem!
"Because it's 'God Save the Queen'...that's the problem, she's overly saved, she has no idea of the struggle of human existance!...It's what you gotta do in your life. 'God Save the Queen', no! She's too saved; it's 'God Attack the Queen', that's what it should be."

Answer: dead

"...You look cool when you snowboard, but you cannot look cool because you're nailed to a plank of wood. As long as you're vertical, you're going, "Hey, yeah."...There's only two positions in snowboarding: One is looking cool. The second is dead!"

Answer: 50, 30, 20

"We had the druids! Long white robes, long beards, early transvestites, didn't get their shaving together. They built Stonehenge, one of the biggest henges in the world. No one's built a henge like that ever since. No one knows what a henge is."

Answer: It's got nothing to do with it!

"Jesus, I do think did exist. He was a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi area, the Nelson Mandela type area, relaxed and groovy. The Romans thought, 'Relaxed and groovy? No no no no no." So they murdered him. And then kids eat chocolate eggs because the color of the chocolate and the color of the wood on the cross... Well you tell me! It's got nothin' to do with it, has it?"

Answer: put babies on spikes

During this bit, Eddie was comparing the American views on jobs and British views.
"I grew up in the '70s. The careers advisor used to come to school. And he used to get the kids together and say, "Look, I advise you to get a career, what can I say?" He took me aside and say, "What do you want to do? Tell me your dreams." and I said, "I want to be a space astronaut, go to outer space, discover things that have never been discovered." He said, "Look, you're British, so scale it down a bit, alright?""
In America, however, it is encouraged for a young person to do anything. "I want to put babies on spikes." "Go! Live the American dream!"

Answer: Queen Victoria

"They're all frumpy, aren't they? Because it's a bad idea when cousins marry. Bottom of the gene pool, you're scraping the barrel. 'I haven't got enough for any more of you royals, sorry.' First rule of genetics, spread the genes apart!"

Answer: Send her into outer space.

"Then, Henry VIII came along, a big hairy king. And he said to the Pope, the head of the Catholic Church, 'Mr. Pope, I'm going to marry my first wife, then divorce her. Now, I know what you're going to say, but stick with me, the story gets better. I'm gonna marry my second wife, then I'm going to kill her, cut her head off! Not expecting that are you? Third wife, I'm gonna shoot her, fourth wife, put her in a bag. Fifth wife into outer space. Sixth on a Rotissomat. Seventh wife made out of jam. Eighth wife...'"

Answer: Creeping Kid

"I'm a film nut as well. I used to break into film studios."
His dream was to have a big producer see him creeping, where he would promptly be hired for the movie, "The Creeping Kid."

Answer: Say "Shaggy and Scooby"

"Shaggy and Scooby are interesting characters, two of the most major characters in American literature. Because, and I mean this sincerely, and I think it's fantastic, they are cowardly characters. They believe in cowardice and sandwiches...if you can think of any other character, I'm willing to learn. Someone mentioned Falstaff, a Shakespearean character.

It's that level of greatness!"