"Goon Show" Episode Titles Trivia Quiz

Answer: Banana

First aired 13 November 1953.
Bloodnok: "One of us must volunteer."
Seagoon: "Yes, one of us must."
Eccles: "Yup, one of us must volunteer. Yup, yup, yup."
Bloodnok: "Well, who is it going to be Seagoon?"
Seagoon: "I'm terribly sorry - but I have a wife and sixty-three children."
Bloodnok: "I too have a wife and children. That only leaves dear old..."
SFX: [Panicky rattling of telephone]
Eccles: "Hello, hello, operator? Get me the marriage bureau. Hello?"
Bloodnok: "Eccles, you, you, you, coward you. Oh, you coward, you naughty coward. Seagoon? You're youngest, you go."
Seagoon: "Me? You wouldn't send an old man out there?"
Bloodnok: "You? You're not an old man."
Seagoon: "Give me five minutes to make up and you'll never know the difference."

Answer: Batter Pudding

First aired 12 October 1954.
Seagoon: "Now are you aware of the danger of German long range guns?"
Henry Crun: "Mnk ahh I have it! I've got it, I've got the answer. Just by chance I happen to have on me a box of German matches."
Seagoon: "Wonderful! Strike one. Ha, they won't dare fire at their own matches."
Henry Crun: "Of course not. Now..."
SFX: [Striking match - bomb whistle - explosion]
Henry Crun: "...Curse... The British, the British!"

Answer: Marie Celeste

First aired 16 November 1954.
Neddy: "I just read your offer in the paper about the Marie Celeste."
Grytpype: "Little Matelot! That was inserted in 1910, 44 years ago!"
Neddy: "My paperman has a big round."
Grytpype: "Your paperman has a big round what?"

Answer: Sherwood Forest

First aired 20 December 1954.
Robin Hood: "Oh no! Maid Marion, she's the most beautiful girl in the world!"
Friar Balsam: "You must rescue her."
Robin Hood: "Yes. I must rescue her, she's so beautiful!"
Friar Balsam: "It'll mean certain death for you."
Robin Hood: "I don't know, she wasn't that pretty. I wonder where they're keeping her."
Eccles: "Where they're keeping her? In the forest of course, because there's plenty of good hiding places there, my dad used to take me there."
Robin Hood: "What for?"
Eccles: "A good hiding - Ha ha!"

Answer: Westminster

First aired 15 February 1955.
Seagoon: "Good morning buddy, yes. So you think you can raise the pier, ey?"
Minnie and Henry Crun: "Oh yes, yes! We can! We've done it many times!"
Seagoon: "Splendid. Now, what is your profession?"
Minnie Bannister: "We're, we're oyster sexers."
Seagoon: "Oyster sexers?"
Minnie Bannister: "Yes, we can tell the difference, you know..."
Seagoon: "At your age that must be quite a revelation. I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in oyster sexing. If I was an oyster I wouldn't be here. Can't have an oyster as chairman of the Westminster Pier Salvage Committee can you?"
Henry Crun: "Why not, ey? Why not? It's a free country isn't it? Why shouldn't an oyster be chairman?"
Seagoon: "Because an oyster can't talk."
Henry Crun: "Have you ever spoken to one?"
Seagoon: "Hhhmmmm, no!"

Answer: Christmas

First aired 15 November 1955.
SEAGOON: "Ha hmm. Tell me more about the pudding. Is there a portion somewhere in the Sudan? "
BLOODNOK: "It's all here lad, in Africa. Three quarters of it is worshipped as a god by the savage Naringi Burbas, and the other quarter has turned man-eater and is roaming the forest of Ying-Tong-Iddle-I-Po."
SEAGOON: "Gad! You mean that portion will have to be shot?"
BLOODNOK: "Yes, it will need a man with a steady eye, a hollow tooth and a wooden leg to bring it down."
SEAGOON: "Do you know of such a man?"
BLOODNOK: "No, but I know a man whose advice would be invaluable to you, but, er, hmm, he'd be too expensive."
SEAGOON: "Mmm. Between you and me, how much should I offer him?"
BLOODNOK: "Well, between you and me, his usual fee is a thousand, but in my estimation he's worth much more."
SEAGOON: "Two?"
BLOODNOK: "Three."
SEAGOON: "Right. Who is he?"
BLOODNOK: "Me."
SEAGOON: "Ahaha, Major Bloodnok, I've been told to offer you three thousand pounds."
BLOODNOK: "You've been very well advised."

Answer: Wages

First aired 6 March 1956.
Yakamoto: "Please do not shoot!"
Seagoon: "Come forward, military Japanese gentleman, but keep your right leg raised."
Yakamoto: "Please, I am General Yakamoto, Commander of all Imperial Japanese troops in that tree."
Seagoon: "Well?"
Yakamoto: "Request, please: have unexpectedly run short of ammunition. Please, can we borrow two boxes until the end of the war?"
Bloodnok: "You Japanese are always on the tap... You haven't returned our lawnmower yet!"
Yakamoto: "I am velly solly but have not finished mowing jungle."
Bloodnok: "No! No more credit! Clear off!"
Yakamoto: "Then am forced to surrender."
Seagoon: "Surrender? This means war!"

Answer: Mersey

First aired 11 October 1956.
SEAGOON: "Just as I thought. This compass is slow. It says twenty past two."
BLOODNOK: "Great brown nutted nurglers! Those villains! They've switched the compass for the wristwatch."
SEAGOON: "Gad! And not being men of the sea, we don't know which is which!"
BLOODNOK: "Well! Now here's a pretty kettle of fish!"
SEAGOON: "So it is, and a damned silly place to leave it!"
BLOODNOK: "Yes. Well, we can't stand here all day making these wonderful jokes."
SEAGOON: "You're right. Forward!"
SFX: [Splash].
SEAGOON: "Stop! Stop! I think we're near a river."

Answer: Postman

First aired 9 December 1957.
Seagoon: "You villains! You can't explode me. I'll..."
Grytpype: "Back Neddy. Hands up."
Seagoon: "But...but you haven't got a gun."
Grytpype: "No, but I'm thinking of one."
Seagoon: "Well, I'm thinking of ringing the police. Eccles, think of a telephone."
Eccles: "OK."
SFX: [Phone rings. Receiver picks up].
Seagoon: "Hello, police? I want to report a..."
Grytpype: "Steady Neddy! Put down that telephone that Eccles is thinking of."
Seagoon: "I refuse."
Grytpype: "Then I'm thinking of shooting you."
SFX: [Pistol shot].
Seagoon: "Well I'm thinking of the bullet missing me and hitting Bluebottle."
Bluebottle: "Ohi ohhhhi! You rotten swine you."

Answer: Neddie

First aired 3 February 1958.
BLOODNOK: "You remember meeee - we served together during the war."
NED: "Gad, so we did. The British restaurant!"
BLOODNOK: "Of course! I was on the afters, but I deserted."
NED: "We mustn't argue over trifles! Listen, what are you doing here?"
BLOODNOK: "I'm digging for earth."
NED: "Any luck?"
BLOODNOK: "No, just gold, gold, gold."

Answer: Treble

First aired 9 November 1958.
Bill: "Part four. The Germans become suspicious."
ORCHESTRA: Deutschland Uber Alles music link
Spike (German): "Gentlemen, this is part four, and we have just become suspicious."
Peter (German): "I have just opened zis three-ounce tin of suspicion."
Harry (German): "It tastes very suspicious."
Peter (German): "Then our suspicions are vell founded. Last night General Montgomery was seen talking to a voluptuous woman in za Edgware Road. At zea same time he was seen talking to an exotic woman in Cairo. A second later 'e ver seen talking to a ravishing blonde in Barcelona. Gentlemen, who were these men?"
Eccles: (lecherous) "Who were those women? Aha ha ha."

Answer: Atomic

First aired 5 January 1959.
Bluebottle: "Here, dere's a big spider out dere, Oh!"
Eccles: "I ain't frightened of big spiders! I'll fix him."
SFX:[Door slams. Great roaring of a lion aroused. Terrible battle]
Eccles: [Yelling for help]
SFX:[Thuds, bangs etc. Door slams]
Bluebottle: "'Ere, where's all your clothes?"
Eccles: "Bottle, say after me, I must learn the difference between a lion and a spider."

Answer: Tale

First aired 31 December 1959.
German: "Achtung, gentlemen! Be seated. We must have a halt on our war memoirs and go to war! Our scientists have just invented a liquid that will win de war. This chemical, when applied to the tail of a miltary soldier shirt, is tasteless, colourless, and odourless."
Second German: "What good is that on the tail of a shirt, hein?"
German: "The moment the wearer sits down, the heat from his body causes the chemical to hexplode. This way, the soldier will be neutralized."
Second German: "He'll be worse than that."
Third German: "Is einer wonderschon, Gerhimmeler!"
German: "Speak English, you fool. There are no sub-titles in this scene. Now zen, this is my plan of attack."
Second German: "It looks like a nail."
German: "No, it's a tack. Ho ho ho ho. Thank you. Who said we Germans haven't a sense of humour?"
Second German: "Just about everybody, I tink."

Answer: Smoking

First aired 28 January 1960.
SEAGOON: "Are you generally responsible for births on this ship?"
LALAKAKA:"Not all of them."
SEAGOON: "I'm on this trip for my health, I'm a victim of faggins."
BANERGEE: "Oh dear dear dear"
SEAGOON: "I've lost all my teeth and I've got hydromynthalics-defatic-thrompyteritis with complications."
BANERGEE: "What are the complications?"
SEAGOON: "Trying to say that lot without my teeth."

Answer: Million Pound

First aired 17 November 1958.
SFX: [One coin drops to floor].
SEAGOON: "Now back in the safe with it! Hahahaha! One penny, hahaha, and it's tax-free. Hahahahahahaha haahaahaha ha, [chokes]."
GREENSLADE: "He's very good, you know, very good indeed. Meantime, with the aid of an ear-trumpet, two men have heard of Miser Ned's penny, and were heading that way along the old moor road."
SFX: [Horse gallops pulling carriage, screech of breaks, chicken noises].
GRYTPYPE: "Coachman! Coachman, why have we stopped?"
SINGHIZ: "Chickens are tired, sir."
GRYTPYPE: "But gentlemen, my brown paper parcel and I must have shelter for the night. Our underwear is porous."

Answer: Capsule

First aired 2 February 1959.
Bannister: "This skull is 5 million years old!"
Crun and Bannister: [Sings] "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you."
Crun:[Sings] "Happy birthday, dear Minnie, happy birthday to you."
Bannister: "Thank you, thank you, Hen, it's nice of you to remember my skull."

Answer: Mountain

First aired 1 December 1958.
Seagoon: "Dear listeners, the art connoisseur wore a suit of shredded brown paper scaffolding around his legs and a body that hadn't been lived in for some time."
Eccles: "Well, I'm dressed for the part. I'm going to conquer Mount Snowdon."
Seagoon: "It's been climbed before, you know?"
Eccles: "Ah, but has anybody eaten it before?"
Seagoon: "I've, I've, I've never seen it on the menu."
Eccles: "Ah, then the way is clear for my attempt. Hold this plate."

Answer: Night

First aired 16 March 1958.
SEAGOON: "Can you invent a waterproof military gas stove for cooking ample?"
CRUN: "A waterproof gas stove? It's going to be very difficult. You see, you can't get the wood, you know. Can't get it."
SEAGOON: "Have you ever built such a thing before?"
CRUN: "Well, in a manner of speaking - no. You can't get the wood, you see."
SEAGOON: "Is there no way?"
CRUN: "Yes, definitely, definitely, there is! But it will be difficult."
SEAGOON: "Why?"
CRUN: "Because you can't get the wood."
SEAGOON: "I can get you the wood."
CRUN: "Ah well, that's going to be very difficult."
SEAGOON: "Why?"
CRUN: "I won't be able to go around saying 'You can't get the wood' anymore."

Answer: Napoleon's

First aired 11 October 1955.
Grytpype-Thynne: "All in good time, laddy. Now first, will you sign this contract, in which you guarantee to move the piano from one room to another for five pounds."
Seagoon: "Of course I'll sign. Have you any ink?"
Grytpype-Thynne: "Here's a fresh bottle."
Seagoon: [gulp] "Gad! I was thirsty."
Grytpype-Thynne: "Now Neddie, please just sign the contract."
Seagoon: "Certainly. [scribbles] Neddie Seagoon. A.G.G."
Moriarty: "What's A.G.G. for?"
Seagoon: "For the kiddies to ride on! Now, which room is this piano in?"
Grytpype-Thynne: "It's erm... It's in the Louvre."
Seagoon: "Strange taste you have."
Grytpype-Thynne: "We refer to the Louvre Museum."
Seagoon: "What what what what what what what what what what? You mean the piano's in Paris?"
Grytpype-Thynne: "Yes."
Seagoon: "Ahhh! I've been tricked! Yahhahh!"
SFX:[Thud]
Moriarty: "For the benefit of people without television... He's fainted."

Answer: C.D. (Corps Diplomatique)

First aired 18 October 1955.
Bloodnok: "Here in the most beautiful fountain in Trafalgar Square you have the audacity, and the audicity to wash an overcoat, thus fouling the water. You might have waited until I finished my bath!"
Seagoon: "To tell you the truth, sir, I thought you were a statue."
Bloodnok: "I have enough decency, sir, not to move when I'm naked."
Seagoon: "Haven't you got a bath where you're staying?"
Bloodnok: "Of course I have!"
Seagoon: "Where are you staying?"
Bloodnok: "Here!"
Seagoon: "What made you choose Trafalgar Square?"
Bloodnok: "Do you like pigeon pie?"

Answer: Affair

First aired 4 October 1956.
Seagoon: "Sir, sir, there's an Arab riding down on us on a flaming stallion!"
Bloodnok: "Watch your language!"
Seagoon: "English sir, what's yours?"
Bloodnok: "The same! Interpreter, you can go home."
Throat: "Right mate!"
Seagoon: "There's the flaming Arab."
Bloodnok: "Mind your language! There may be sensitive Scott's Guardsmen present!"

Answer: Thing

First aired 6 January 1958.
SELLERS: "Equipped with his mountaineering kit of one box of matches, Seagoon began to search the lower slopes of Snowdon."
SEAGOON: "Yes folks. Yes folks! I was looking to a place to set fire to. Suddenly, before me I saw a small ragged tent made from sacking. Inside was a heap of rags and old clothes. Oh folks - the very thing. Pardon me."
SFX: [Box of matches shaken. Match strikes. Sound of flames].
SEAGOON: "Ah ha ha! What a lovely blaze."
BLOODNOK: "Awwwww awwwww awwww! Oh, me trousers. Ahh ahhwww! Awwwww!"
SEAGOON: "A smoking figure rushed past me and hurriedly sat down in a bucket of water."
SFX: [Long burst of steam].
BLOODNOK: "Oohho, that's better."
SEAGOON: "I didn't realise these old clothes were alive."
BLOODNOK: "What! So you set fire to my trousers, you - you dangerous military clown you! You might have ruined my chances of winning the all-England leg final."
SEAGOON: "But wait! You're Major Bloodnok. Ha ha! You remember me?"
BLOODNOK: "Do I?"
SEAGOON: "Of course. I'm the man who set fire to your trousers."

Answer: Snowballs

First aired 2 October 1958.
Spewells: "Oh, you know there's talk of the bank rate going up, do you?"
Plynne: "When'd you hear that?"
Spewell: "On the gramophone this morning."
Plynne: "It sounds rather dangerous, I think there must have been a leak."
Spewell: "Why?"
Plynne: "I saw a plumber going in."
Spewell: "Water must be flooding the market."
Plynne: "We'd better buy some right away, I think."

Answer: String

First aired 13 January 1958.
Bloodnok: "Oh, oh, oh I've never had it as bad as this before! Oh, dear, oh, oh, the wind must be 40 knots at least! Well, I hope we don't have to launch the lifeboat tonight. Just in case they ask me, I'll put one arm in a sling and lie down in a mock faint."
SFX: [Knock on door]
Bloodnok: "Who is that there, who is it? Who is, who is out of there? Only a lunatic would be out on such a storm!"
SFX:[Door opens]
Bloodnok: "Yes?"
Eccles Choir: "Good King Wenceslas"
Bloodnok: "Thank you."
SFX: [Slams door. Knock. Opens]
Bloodnok: "Yes?"
Eccles: "Merry Christmas?"
Bloodnok: "You crazy, mixed-up Eccleses, you. Christmas is gone!
Eccles: "Oh, which way'd it go?"
Bloodnok: "It's finished!"
Eccles: "Finished? Oh, penny for the guy? then?"
Bloodnok: "That's not til next November!"
Eccles: "Can we come in and wait then?"

Answer: Whistling

First aired 28 September 1954.
Seagoon: "Major, I have been shadowed here by the Hungarian highly skilled mysterious secret anti-whistling police."
Bloodnok: "Horrors!"
Seagoon: "Yes, I'd like to stay the week here if possible. What do you say?"
Bloodnok: "Twelve and six a day, food extra."
Seagoon: "Your charging me, an Englishman, to stay at the British Embassy?"
Bloodnok: "It's the holiday season. They charge twice as much at Blackpool."
Seagoon: "I'm not here on holiday, I'm here on a dangerous mission."
Bloodnok: "You mean you might get killed?"
Seagoon: "Yes."
Bloodnok: "Oh well, that's different. Well, under the circumstances, I must ask for the rent in advance."
Seagoon: "I've never been so insulted in all my life!"
Bloodnok: "Come now, with a face like that? You must have been!"