In Other Words, Dumb Trivia Quiz

Answer: Not the sharpest tool in the shed

If you're not sharp, you're dull, which may seem paradoxical if your "lights are on". Either way, you were apparently "at the end of the queue when wits were handed out". Be warned that similar expressions often include: "not the sharpest knife in the drawer"; "not the sharpest pencil in the box"; "not the brightest light on the Christmas tree"; etc. Similarly, you could also be described as being "about as sharp as a bowling ball".

Answer: The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead

This one's similar to "the lights are on, but nobody's home", only without the lights and home, and with a wheel and a dead hamster instead. In other words, everything seems to be working, except for the brain. A cruel person might also be inclined to use the expression, "the lights are flashing, the gate is down, but the train isn't coming".

Answer: Kangaroos loose in the top paddock

If some fellow in the outback tells you that "you've got a few roos loose in the top paddock", do not ask where the paddock is. This would prove that you're "suffering from clue deficiency syndrome", or that you "forgot to pay your brain bill". Instead, you should respond by telling the chap that he's "about as clever as a three-legged dog chewing a bone".

Answer: Not playing with a full deck of cards

You could also be "a few clowns short of a circus", "a few fries short of a Happy Meal", or "a beer short of a six-pack" (or how about "a few questions short of a quiz"?). Along with "not playing with a full deck of cards", all of these insults are still in use, and all mean the same thing - that the thing between your ears is deficient in some way. If you think that the remark is an error, you're either justifiably annoyed, or "you have delusions of adequacy".

It's even possible that you are someone who actually "has two brains - but one is missing, and the other has gone looking for it".

Answer: You're so dense that light bends around you

This insult was probably invented by nerds (you see, light bends when passing through a gravitational field, which is created when ... oh, never mind). If you're on the receiving end of this one, don't let it bother you - just tell the offender that they're "about as bright as a black hole".

Answer: You're very attractive but not very intelligent

This expression probably refers to the Mattel corporation's plastic dolls (which are considered by some to be easy on the eye), and the fact that you apparently have a brain that works about as well as Barbie's or Ken's. If you receive this compliment/insult, you may or may not be someone who has "gone surfing in Nebraska", but you'd probably have to admit that you're "about as quick as a tortoise on Prozac".

Answer: You wouldn't have enough to blow your nose

This insult is typically used for someone who is "so dumb that they couldn't pour water from a boot if the instructions were on the heel", or the poor soul who perhaps "got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching". If anyone throws such insults at you, just tell them that they themselves must have "fallen out of the family tree".

Answer: You're not all there

If someone says you're "not all there", don't worry, you're still around. It's just that it seems to other people as though your mind is somewhere else. But please double-check and make sure that you're not "off with the pixies".

Answer: You're not very bright

Sometimes '60 Minutes' may seem like it runs for an hour and a half, but this could be for other reasons. If you've received the aforementioned insult, it could be because "your antenna doesn't pick up all the channels", or "you're missing a few buttons on the remote control". Try starting with 'Sesame Street'.

Answer: Your brain is not working very efficiently

A variant expression is "not firing on all cylinders". If someone uses this insult on you, give them a blast, or inquire as to whether their own jets are clogged. Bear in mind that both of you may be "running on empty".