Professorjon's Assault on Literature Quiz

Answer: Hamlet

William Shakespeare's "Hamlet" has been filmed many times, including the 1948 Oscar Winning version starring and directed by Laurence Olivier. However, I doubt the play has ever ended with my version, in which the cast patch up their differences and move to Buffalo.

Answer: Charlotte's Web

"Hey, where is Papa going with that axe?" is the first line of E. B. White's famous children story, "Charlotte's Web." However, in my version Papa is returning with the axe because of er . . .he was out chopping something with it.

Answer: A Tale of Two Cities

In the original scene from Charles Dickens' famous novel, "A Tale of Two Cities", Sidney Carton sacrifices himself so that the husband of the woman that he loves might live. In my version, as he stands on the gallows, he suddenly realizes what he has done and begins calling out for his mama.

Answer: Ernest Thayer

From Ernest Thayer's 1888 poem "Casey at the Bat." In the original poem, Casey comes to the plate with his team trailing 4-2. There are two men on and two outs, but Casey strikes out to end the game. In my version, Casey hits a three run homer to win the game and then the next year he holds out for a bigger contract.

Answer: Agatha Christie

The scene is one that originally took place in Agatha Christie's "Murder on the Orient Express." However in my version, just before detective Hercule Poirot announces who the killer is, the lights go out and Hercule is given a wedgie and then struck over the head with a frying pan and the killer gets away, or would have gotten away if he had not forgot about the frying pan and put it in his pocket.

Answer: Cinderella

In the Disney version of "Cinderella", Prince Charming is about to give up hope of finding the girl to whom the glass slipper belongs, but right before the last commercial, Cinderella appears and everybody lives happily ever after. In my version of "Cinderella", the shoe also fits Cinderella's ugly step-sister, Drusilla. Prince Charming is forced to marry her and they have two children named Wednesday and Pugsley and live ever after.

Answer: Flowers For Algernon

The original short story by Daniel Keyes is about a mentally retarded man named Charlie Gordon who has an operation that turns him temporarily into a genius. The operation was first performed on a mouse named Algernon and was deemed a success, but the findings were premature as Algernon's intelligence diminishes and he dies, a fate awaiting Charlie.

In my version, Algernon remains smart and has a couple of offspring, which he names Ben and Willard.

Answer: Beauty and the Beast

French Poet, writer and director Jean Cocteau (1889-1963) wrote and directed the 1946 film "Beauty and the Beast." The story was made into an animated musical in 1991, which became the first animated film ever nominated for Best Picture. However, in my version, Belle has second thoughts and dumps Beast at the altar and he runs away to live in the sewers.

Answer: Daniel DeFoe

Daniel DeFoe (1661-1731) published "The Life and Adventures of Robinson Crusoe" in 1719-1720. In my version, Robinson Crusoe ate Friday on Saturday. He returned home to a hero's welcome and in his honor they held a dinner . . .at a seafood restaurant.

Answer: Fahrenheit 451

In the original version of Bradbury's novel, Montag decides to steal a book instead of burning it, to see what all the fuss is about. This leads to his downfall and he is forced to flee the city to live with outcasts, people who read books. In my version, the books that he grabs are written by Rod McKuen and he decides that maybe burning books is not so bad after all.