"M*A*S*H" - "Crisis" Trivia Quiz

Answer: Frank Burns

It was "the other side, Frank," Henry wearily reminds him.

There is, of course, much joking before the bad news is given. "Welcome to the Henry Blake Cliché Festival," Trapper announces, and Hawkeye tells Henry that if he wants to be taken seriously he should "stop talking in samplers." But the situation is dire, as they discover when Radar reads out a partial list of supplies they'll have to do without for the time being: "fruit, vegetables, assorted food, fuel oil, blankets, bandages, linen replacements, toilet paper, mail call, electrical parts, flares, winter clothing, playing cards, shuttlecocks . . ."

Answer: Major Houlihan

Hawkeye offers to trade her his "maintenance, general service and supplies" duties for her "nurse-looking-after," but, unsurprisingly, she demurs. Radar becomes the housing officer, which makes him a very popular man on base: in case they have to double or triple up to save heat, he gets to decide "who sleeps with who."

Answer: They're anticipating a food shortage, yet Father Mulcahy's Bingo players are marking squares with coffee beans.

Perhaps luckily for Father Mulcahy, Frank came just before Klinger was able to collect on his BINGO (it was "N for Nazareth" that put him over). Klinger tries to stick up for the chaplain, only to be criticized for his extravagant mink coat ("I paid for it myself," he assures an apoplectic Frank).

Answer: a baked ham

"Where did you get it?" she asks him, salivating already. He reminds her that he's the officer in charge of the food supply: "I requisitioned it on a chain-of-command priority basis." "You swiped it." "Right."

Answer: Corporal Klinger

Hawkeye reassures Frank: "Just wrap yourself in the flag and go to sleep." They're also sharing their tent with Father Mulcahy, Colonel Blake, and Corporal O'Reilly. "This is quite a hotel you have here," says Father Mulcahy, still doing his part to boost morale. "Why yes," agrees Hawkeye, "this is where the Ritz hit the fan."

Answer: Colonel Henry Blake

Yes, Henry snores, a fact he volunteers while suggesting to Radar that he take the cot nearest the outside of the tent. The others beg him to tell them he's joking, but nothing doing: "I could be on the Olympic snoring team. I snored the siding half off of my house. I even got a fan letter once from the seismograph people at Fordham." He suggests that, "if it gets too bad" for his tentmates, they could "just do what my wife does . . . hold me close." Somehow this doesn't seem to improve matters . . .

Answer: By reminding them that he has bought a lot of war bonds.

"Look, buddy, I bought a lot of war bonds," he says, "and you are now talking to a pretty upset stockholder." By this time, most of Henry's desk has been dismantled and taken away to be burned for heat, and he reports that newspaper is being sold at a dollar a page to be used as toilet paper. (Later, we learn that desperate people are breaking into the fortune cookies for paper.)

Answer: Everyone says "Good night, Major," and one of them is a baritone.

The nurses are happy in their tent - Major Houlihan has just promised to officially commend them all for their "true-blue American" conduct during the crisis - and Klinger is naturally distressed to be sent back to the men's tent through the cold. "Major Houlihan threw me out of the nurses' tent!" he protests. "She found out I was a man." Hawkeye believes it: "You've got to get up pretty early in the morning to fool Major Houlihan."

Answer: Frank's hunting socks

Trapper and Hawkeye, always especially observant when it comes to possible transgressions by Frank, notice that he is sleeping without a blanket even though everyone else is freezing. He insists that he has hypothyroidism, but they continue their investigation and discover his warm feet, heated by his electric hunting socks. ("I have a bra like that," Klinger remarks.) It soon degenerates into a wrestling match, with Frank insistent on keeping the socks and Trapper and Hawkeye equally insistent that he share them.

Answer: His office furniture

Everything except the skeleton is missing; Henry makes his phone call seated atop a briefcase. "During the recent crisis," he explains to the man on the telephone, "people had an aversion to freezing, so they just burned everything that didn't move or salute." And now he finds it hard to get his work done, without his desk or chair or most especially his liquor cabinet (which must have made an impressive flame). Thanks for playing; I hope you've enjoyed the quiz!