'M*A*S*H' - 'Soldier of the Month' Quiz

Answer: Frank

Hawkeye generously nominates Frank as the new rat-control officer. His speech: 'My friends, some men are born great, others achieve greatness and others are destined to work with rats. I would like to nominate someone who is eminently qualified, a man who was born for this job, a man who can look a rat in the eye and meet him on his own terms. I give you Major Frank Burns!'

Answer: Frank

Again, Frank is chosen. He is to judge the contestants on their dress and deportment (Klinger's already in trouble!) and finally he is to proctor a history exam. Let the games begin!

Answer: Hemorrhagic fever

Father Mulcahy did some research while in Seoul and discovered that soldiers on both sides of the 1904-5 Russo-Japanese War (which he mistakenly claims was in 1931...that was when Japan invaded Manchuria) came down with the exact same symptoms that the soldiers at the 4077th are suffering from now. Mulcahy claims that there is no cure for the disease, only 'common sense medicine'.

Answer: Frank's wife's fruitcake

Klinger is extremely helpful in Frank's anti-rat crusade until one of the mousetraps goes off on his fingers. When BJ and Hawkeye enter the swamp, they along with Klinger are treated to Frank's miracle rat trap invention. The camera view of the four men from inside the box is a classic 'M*A*S*H' scene, as is the following moments when it is discovered that Frank has the fever.

When Frank is told that the fleas on the rats are causing the disease he responds, 'Oh that's ridiculous. I mean, I've already carried a couple out to the trash. And I didn't get any fleas. I-I didn't feel well afterwards, but I-I-I-I'm not sick. I mean...just because a person has to faint...' Kerplunk!

Answer: His high school janitor

Frank says some rather sad and revealing things during his chat with BJ and Hawkeye. He claims that his mother used to 'smack' him when he was sick. He also suggests that the last person to ever like him was his high school janitor, who showed him photos of heavyweight boxers. Frank also reveals that he and Margaret are 'dating'. Needless to say, BJ and Hawkeye are stunned!

Answer: Radar

Radar not only answers correctly, but adds the interesting (but incorrect) tidbit that Washington had wooden teeth. Hawkeye adds, 'Right, and every time he told a lie, they chopped one out!' Washington's teeth were actually made from hippo ivory. After some bodily contortions, Klinger answers the second half of the question about where Washington was sworn into office (New York).

Answer: Palm trees

His more extended response is as follows: 'Palm trees! How the hell do I know? I'm from Brooklyn!' Igor's equally inane response, 'I thought there were gonna be refreshments here.' Klinger asks what number question they're on, to which Hawkeye responds that he doesn't know as he has mixed-up the questions. Klinger exclaims, 'You can't do that sir, I learned history from the beginning!'

Answer: Farragut

The Farragut question: 'What famous Civil War hero said, 'Damn the torpedoes. Full speed ahead'?' Hawkeye realizes that Klinger is cheating so he creates a phony true or false question, which Klinger immediately insists is not on the test. Radar then accuses Klinger of cheating after he sees some answers written on the latter's body.

Answer: His clothes

Frank leaves virtually all of his possessions to 'the only woman who ever really cared, ever really understood, my wife Louise'. He leaves all of the profits from his presciption kickbacks to his children. 'And finally, to Major Margaret Houlihan, my friend, my comrade, my little soldier, I leave all my clothes,' Frank adds. Margaret overhears the entire thing, and my goodness is she angry! She gets her revenge in the end - she slugs poor Frank.

Answer: Radar

Radar is the only one who legitimately answers any of the history questions correctly, so it makes sense that he is the winner. The last scene of the episode features a drunk and dishevelled Radar returning to camp complete with charges leveled for being 'drunk and disorderly', for 'trying to drink the ink in a tattoo parlor' and for 'swimming 50 laps in an eight-foot bathhouse tub'.