"Tea, Fathers? - Aww, Go on, Go on, Go on!" Quiz

Answer: True

The fact that Father Ted is being punished by Bishop Brennan for embezzling funds that should have been used to send a young woman on a pilgrimage to Lourdes, is alluded to on a number of occasions. In the first series it is referred to by the Bishop during the episode 'The Passion of Saint Tibulus' and again in the episode 'Grant Unto Him Eternal Rest' in which Father Ted makes the erroneous assumption that a visitor to Craggy Island is from the police and is trying to catch him out.

Answer: A spider baby

"Oh yes, this is the fairground thing? I wouldn't have much interest in that type of thing myself, to be honest" says Father Ted Crilly to Dougal McGuire.
"They've got a spider baby; it's a kind of freak show thing. It's got the body of a spider but it's actually a baby" explains Father Dougal.
"How is it a baby?" asks Father Ted, "Does it have a nappy?"
"No" replies Father Dougal.
"Well... Does it have the head of a baby?"
"No"
"Well... If it looks like a spider and it doesn't actually gurgle at you or anything, how do you know it's actually a baby?"
Father Dougal ponders the question for a few moments and replies, "They keep it in a pram!"

Answer: Extreme violence

Tom, played by actor Pat Shortt, is Craggy Island's resident psychopath and is, in all likelihood, a potential serial killer. As the television crew scramble up the low cliff from the beach they encounter Tom sat on a wall; he promptly shoots a crow with a shotgun from point blank range. Tom also has a penchant for confessing to having committed a crime, usually using the line "Father, I've killed a man".

In a future episode, Tom agrees to help Father Ted with a rabbit problem. Father Ted believes that Tom will look after the rabbits in, as Father Ted puts it, "a Julie Andrews sort of way" when in actual fact Tom looks as if he will take care of the rabbits in "an Al Pacino sort of way" using a vice, a sledgehammer, a chainsaw and a samurai sword; no prizes for guessing how Tom intends to take care of business!

Answer: Lightning strike

Father Paul Stone is the world's most boring priest and, unfortunately, stays at Craggy Island's parochial house for his holidays much to the chagrin of Ted, Dougal, Jack and Mrs Doyle; although it's Ted's fault as he invited him to stay after feeling sorry for him! Late one night a distraught and tearful Father Ted prays for relief from Father Stone's enthralling company. The very next day, during a thunderstorm, Ted and Dougal are playing a round at Craggy Island's crazy golf course when they are joined by Father Stone. After encouraging Father Stone to have a go, his golf club is struck by a bolt of lightning resulting in him being taken off to hospital.
"Father Stone's been in there a long time hasn't he; do you think he's dead?" Dougal asks Ted.
"They're probably doing tests" replies a concerned Ted.
"What sort of tests?" asks Dougal; "General Knowledge?"
"No... No, medical tests!" states an irritated Ted.
"So what would he know about that Ted?" asks Dougal... Brilliant, just brilliant!

Answer: Bishop Brennan's holiday video

After rummaging through Bishop Brennan's overnight bag in a search for bottles of alcohol, Father Jack discovers a video cassette. It was rumoured that Bishop Brennan had engaged in an illicit affair with a woman and had fathered a son; mother and son were also believed to be living in the United States but this had not been confirmed...at least not until Father Jack discovered the video and watched it in the company of Fathers Ted and Dougal! Bishop Brennan's threats to send Ted to an island off of the coast of Suriname and Dougal to the Philippines would not come to pass!

Answer: He is a recovering alcoholic

"I've never met a celebrity before!" says an excited Father Dougal.
"You met the Pope" replies Ted; "Did I?" says Dougal.
"Don't you remember? When we were in Rome!" says Ted.
"That little fella in the art gallery?" asks Dougal.
"That was the Vatican!"
Not many celebrities visit Craggy Island and Father Dougal is excited at the prospect of meeting Henry Sellars, even if he is something of a has-been. Unbeknown to Father Ted and Father Dougal and, more importantly, Mrs Doyle, Henry Sellars' career is on a downward spiral after he had been sacked from the BBC for being an alcoholic. Just after his arrival on Craggy Island, Mrs Doyle encourages Henry to have a small glass of sherry which he initially declines but accepts after coming under some pressure. Needless to say, Henry immediately falls off the wagon and wrecks the living room before leaping through the window and escaping into the wilds of Craggy Island where, the following day, he is hunted down and tranquilized by the local police sergeant.

Answer: Diana Ross and The Supremes

Father Dick Byrne, the priest from Rugged Island, and his colleagues enter the All-Priests Look-a-Like Competition as Diana Ross and two of The Supremes. Fathers Ted, Dougal and Jack all enter as Elvis Presley staging a brief montage of The King's life; Father Dougal as the young Elvis, Father Ted as Elvis at the peak of his career and Father Jack, still drunk from a binge earlier that day, as Elvis at the end of his life. On the plus side, at least Father Ted wins his bet with Father Dick Byrne, walking away from the competition with the amazing sum of five pounds!

Answer: Novelist

"Good luck with the book", said Father Ted; at the book-signing, in the lift, inside the car park and whilst waiting at some traffic lights. Ted Crilly, as usual, grasps the wrong end of the stick in his dealings with the lovely novelist Polly Clark, assuming that she wants the same from their relationship as he does. Unfortunately for Ted, she is looking for a retreat on Craggy Island where she can find some peace and maybe pursue her ambition of becoming a nun. Trying to impress Polly, Father Ted leaves a selection of classic literature on the dining table in the living room.
"Do you like Dostoyevsky" asks Polly.
"Oh yes, he's one of my favourites; I must've read that book ['Crime and Punishment'] about ten times!" replies Ted.
"Ha, I see you're reading it again; there's a bookmark here on page seven"
After a brief discussion of the work, the conversation returns again to the subject of Polly's husband;
"Oh, you know it's great to talk to someone about these things. My husband, now there's a man who was really afraid of Virginia Woolf" says Polly.
"Why? Was she following him or something?" asks a totally blank looking Ted!

Answer: True

"Thanks for the lift Tom!" says Ted as Tom's van hurtles along the road at breakneck speed.
"No problem Father, I just need to pop into the post office for a moment, I'll only be a second" says Tom adding "could you pass me up that parcel there?"
"God! That's heavy" exclaims Ted passing Tom a shotgun shaped parcel as the van screeches to a halt outside the post office. Tom races into the building and a moment later two shots ring out just before Tom flees the building and jumps back into his van.
"You haven't been up to your old tricks again, have you Tom?" asks Father Ted.
"No Father, it's my money, I just didn't want to fill out the forms!" replies Tom as he slams the van door and screeches away.

Answer: Boy George

Laura Sweeney from Corless, Corless and Sweeney, the firm of solicitors representing Father Jack, arrives at Craggy Island's parochial house to inform Ted and Dougal that they have been left the sum of half a million pounds, to be shared between them, in his will. It is in this episode, as mentioned earlier, that Ted believes that this visitor has bad news for him relating to his embezzlement of funds, explaining that it was "just a routine relocation of funds". Miss Sweeney also explains that Father Jack has a terror of being buried alive and it is a condition of them both receiving his estate that they stand a vigil with his remains overnight before his funeral. At this point neither Ted, Dougal or Mrs Doyle believe that such an attractive young lady could possibly be a senior partner in a solicitor's and insist that they will discuss Father Jack's business when they eventually speak to his legal advisor; with this the young solicitor begins to lose her temper with them both. Cut to a scene in a dark and austere chapel where Father Jack's body is laid and we see Father Dougal gently rocking back and forth quietly singing 'Karma Chameleon' and Ted nursing a head wound!
"Oh, how's your head Ted?" asks Dougal.
"Not too bad, it's true what they say about these career women, they're very aggressive" replies Ted.
"Oh, and that language out of her; you wouldn't hear it from a docker!" added Ted.
"Aye you would" replies Dougal, "They use very bad language!"