"Blue Collar Comedy Tour": Part 2 Quiz

Answer: Bothering Bill in his sleep

"Nobody tells you about parenting. Nobody ever says that my son is going to get out of bed, into my room, and get [places hand about a couple inches from his face] that close to my face. And he'll be like, [whispering] 'Dad!' [pauses] 'Dad!' [now talks at normal volume] 'Dad!' 'What?!' And he runs off crying! My wife says, 'Bill, you scared him!' 'Well, he scared me! Put a bell around his neck!'

Answer: "Does this hurt?"

"She said, 'No, it don't hurt.' From a door 3 feet away I can hear a grown man going, 'Ow,ow!' I said, 'What was that?' and she says, 'Oh, he big baby!' But I'm a big baby! So next thing I know, I'm lying on this bed in my underwear with 1 pin in the top of my head, 3 in each earlobe, 1 in each pec, 1 in each shin, and 3 between each of my toes. I'm lying on that bed going, 'Boy, I could really use a cigarette now!'"

Answer: ruins vacation

"This thing is like 35 feet long, 8 feet wide, with mirrors that stick about 3 feet out. I was like a passenger trying to land a 747, weaving all over the place. Kids in car seats were flipping me off. And I don't know why there's a 'reverse' on these things; I never learned to back it up. If I pulled into the gas station too far past the pump, there was no backing up.

It was go around the block and try it again. Thank God I wasn't the only one; sometimes there were like 7 or 8 of them circling that Quick-E-Mart.

It was like a white trash road rage."

Answer: the manner in which one behaves while eating

"Remember that first year of marriage when you'd pick a fight and then have make-up sex? 20 years later, you pick a fight and just sleep in the other room.
First year of marriage, if you had a bad day at work, you'd say, 'I had such a bad day at work' and your new bride would say, 'Let me get you a beer and you can tell me all about it.' 20 years later, you're like, 'Whooo! I had a bad day at work!' She's like, 'You wanna know what went on at THIS HOUSE TODAY?! While you were at YOUR JOB?!'
Remember that first year of marriage, if you had to go to the bathroom, oh my God. Shut the door, lock it, turn the faucet on, turn the shower on, God forbid they knew you were going poop. 20 years later, the bathroom door's wide open, [woman in audience is shown pointing to her husband] you're like, 'Bring in the cameras!'
Remember that first year of marriage, guys, you'd be doing laundry and you didn't want her to freak out when she saw your dirty underwear, so you just threw them away? 20 years later, you're just hoping to gross them out. You just want to make her say, 'Oh my God! Did you hit a deer!'"

Answer: Is that y'all's piano?

Jeff actually tells a joke of this kind right in the middle of Bill's "Here's Your Sign" bit toward the end of the movie, in which a painter at his house asks, "Is that y'all's piano?" But here's an example of one of Bill's jokes: "The best one of them all happened out in Los Angeles, where I was driving behind a big rig that got the trailer wedged up under an overpass. So I pulled over by him, and we waited on the tow truck.

Then the highway patrol shows up. The cop gets out of his car, he looks at the trucker, looks at the truck, and I'm thinking, 'He can't ask it. 'Cause if he does, I'll start laughing.' And sure enough, the cop asks, 'You get your truck stuck?' And bless this trucker, without missing a beat, he says, 'Nope. I was delivering that overpass and I ran out of gas.' Here's your sign."

Answer: innuendo

"Innuendo" was actually explained on his "Big Funny" CD, in which he says, "Hey, I saw a bird fly innuendo." But in the movie, here's what he says:
"Speaking of words, I got a few new words for you. First one: Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise a lot of people here this evening. It's kind of a gift; they come to me in my sleep and I write them down.
Brand new one: Aorta. Aorta cut that grass down by the ballfield before some kids get hurt. Isn't that the stupidest thing you've ever heard in your life?
Initiate. My wife ate two hamburgers, initiate a bag of potato chips.
And last, but not least, wityadidya. Wityadidya. Hey, you didn't bring your truck wityadidya? Somebody will be using wityadidya tomorrow."

Answer: beaver

"I said, 'You have my attention.' That's not really something you can walk away from at that point. You're almost required to say, 'How did that happen?' They were happy to tell the story, too. Apparently, the brother and his friend were driving in the truck, a beaver ran out in front of them and they hit it and it landed in the ditch.

They decided that they had to get this beaver to take to the taxidermist, 'cause we all know how pretty it looks on a Thanksgiving dining room table holding that turkey up! [imitates stuffed beaver] So he went down into the ditch, found the beaver, picked it up by the tail, and said, 'Look at it.

It ain't cut up, or bloody, or nothin'!' And apparently, 'Nothin' is the word that brings a beaver back to consciousness.

The animal then lurched forward and bit his nipple off. Did not bite it, bit it off. O-F-F, off. That is a new kind of hurt right there. It is so rare that I was at a loss for words; the only reply I could come up with was, 'I bet that's the only time in history the headline of the paper could include the words 'beaver' and 'nipple' and nobody would be offended by it.'"

Answer: cereal aisle

"Kids buy cereal the same way grown men buy lingerie. They will buy a product they care nothing about just to get the prize inside. And you forget about the cereal aisle! It's like you're walking through the store, minding your own business, trying to keep them from putting stuff in the cart. All of a sudden you turn the corner, and there it is, and they're like, [shrieking like a child] 'You gotta buy the Fruity Pebbles! You gotta buy the Fruity Pebbles! Please! Please! Oh please!'
'We are not buying those, we bought those before, you guys didn't even eat them, they went stale, and we had to throw them away!
'We'll eat them today! We'll eat them in the car on the way home! Please! I swear! I promise! Please!'
'I said we're not buying it; put that back!'
'You gotta buy it, you gotta buy it, you gotta buy it, [falls down to floor and spins around] you gotta buy it!'
That is the point when I calmly walk up to the child and say, 'Where are your parents?!'"

Answer: "I'm hot."

"I've been married 18 years to an awesome girl. It did not occur to me until about year 5 that I realized I was being trained, and I remember the night it happened. We were laying in bed reading, and my wife says, 'I'm hot.' I closed my book, got out of bed, walked over to the wall, turned on the ceiling fan, and by the time I was halfway back to the bed, I was like, 'Whoa! I wasn't hot! She's got me trained!' And I bet she called her mom the next day and said, 'Mama, it is working so well! Last night I said "I'm hot" and he turned on the ceiling fan!' 'I am so proud of you! I'd put your daddy on the phone for you to tell him but I said "I'm hungry" and he drove into town to get me something to eat!'"

Answer: If there is an electric singing fish in more than 3 rooms of your home.

When Jeff admits to this, Bill holds up 4 fingers, indicating that Jeff has one of those in 4 rooms of his house. However, Jeff tells a couple on Bill, including "If you've ever ridden an electric floor buffer". Ron admits to a couple as well, and during the closing credits, more footage of the four is shown in their activities off-stage. Ron is shown sleeping in a Waffle House, and Jeff creates a new redneck joke as a result. If you haven't already, buy the DVD of "Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie" and check out my quizzes on Jeff Foxworthy's jokes!