Poor Celebrity Parenting Trivia Quiz

Answer: Mommie Dearest

Crawford had adopted Christina in 1940, after her divorce from her second husband. Three more adoptions followed: Christopher in 1941 (he was returned to his biological mother the next year), a second child named Christopher in 1943, and the twins Cindy and Cathy in 1947.

By the time of her death, her relationship with her older children was strained; her will notoriously closed with the line "It is my intention to make no provision herein for my son Christopher or my daughter Christina for reasons which are well known to them." Perhaps it was this insult that drove Christina to write about her childhood, inaugurating the celebrity tell-all genre.

In her account - disputed by some of Crawford's friends, but supported by others - Christina wrote of her mother's struggles with alcoholism, perfectionism and possible bipolar disorder. Famously, Crawford was said to fly into violent rages at the smallest things - such as her young daughter's use of a wire hanger to store a dress.

The book, and the much less successful movie adaptation that followed three years later, are an indelible stain on Crawford's reputation.

Answer: Britney Spears

Britney Spears's son Sean Preston Federline was born in September 2005; his brother Jayden James followed almost exactly a year later. They were her first children, and her then-husband Kevin Federline's third and fourth; he had started dating Spears when his fiancée Shar Jackson was pregnant with his second child. Neither Spears nor Federline was likely to win any parenting prizes, but the constant media spotlight -- and the temptations of show business -- did not help them. Spears filed for divorce when Jayden was not quite two months old, and the custody circus began.

After some very bizarre and extremely well-publicized incidents -- including Spears's refusal to give Federline the children after a visit, and her subsequent hospitalization for a mental breakdown -- Federline was awarded full custody in July 2008.

It was hoped that Spears, given greater visitation rights, would then have the space she needed to work on some of her parenting skills.

Answer: His youngest child, a five-year-old, was not provided for at all.

Brown had a complex family life. When he died, he was survived by six grown children from three marriages, and one five-year-old son (James Brown Jr) from his controversial fourth marriage to Tomi Rae Hynie. (Hynie, formerly one of Brown's back-up singers, was technically still married to her first husband when she married Brown in 2001 - legally invalidating her marriage to Brown.) His will, written before the birth of his youngest child, mentioned only his "six living children" from his previous marriages, as did the trust he set up to handle assets like his home and the rights to his music. Under South Carolina state law, a child born after the date of the last will still has some rights to inherit - but young James Jr.'s claim was rapidly tied up in lawsuits and paternity tests. His mother, claiming the half-share of the estate she felt she was due as Brown's wife, faced an even steeper legal battle.

The moral of the story: make sure your will is up-to-date, especially if you're a famous music star with a passel of competitive descendants.

Answer: Moxie CrimeFighter, daughter of Coco Chanel

Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette, daughter of comedian and magician Penn Jillette and television producer Emily Zolten, was born in June 2005. Saying that a person has "moxie" implies that they have guts or backbone; saying that a person IS Moxie is, well, likely to raise a few eyebrows. Fashion mogul Coco Chanel never had children, although the legacy of her work survives to this day.

Moxie Jillette shares a birth year with Kal-El Coppola, son of actor Nicolas Cage and wife Alice Kim, a child who will grow up with an unusually close connection to comic-book superhero Superman (whose birth name -- on the planet Krypton! -- was Kal-El). Apple Martin, daughter of actress Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, is almost a year older, with a birthday in 2004. Moon Unit Zappa, daughter of rock singer Frank Zappa and businesswoman Adelaide Sloat, is the oldest of the bunch; born in 1967, she has made a career for herself as an actress and novelist.

Answer: Lana Turner

Hollywood bombshell Lana Turner had just divorced her fourth husband (out of seven total) when she met Johnny Stompanato, a handsome ex-Marine who was violent and jealous. After a year or two of abuse, Turner was torn between her desire to leave him and her desire to believe his promises of better times ahead. By April 4, 1958, she was ready to tell him that their relationship was over - and the resulting argument was so loud and violent that 14-year-old Cheryl Crane grabbed a kitchen knife and ran into the room to protect her mother. Stompanato, standing just inside the door, was fatally injured.

At the coroner's inquest, the jury determined that the homicide was "justifiable": they believed that the child had acted in defense of herself and her mother. The prosecutor elected not to pursue charges against Cheryl, although - concerned about Turner's parenting abilities - he did succeed in making her a ward of the state. The troubled girl grew up to have a successful career in real estate, and as an adult she formed a good relationship with her mother.

Answer: Marlon Brando

Christian Brando (1958-2008) was the son of two actors, the successful Marlon Brando (two-time Oscar winner) and the much less successful Anna Kashfi. They had married only because of Christian's impending birth, and separated acrimoniously when he was an infant; the next thirteen years of his life were marked by an ugly custody battle. (Christian's father, an emotionally distant man, gained custody after friends of Kashfi's kidnapped the boy for ransom.) In 1990, a drunken Christian Brando murdered Dag Drollet, boyfriend of his sister Cheyenne.

At the sentencing hearing, his father testified to his failures as a parent: "I led a wasted life ... Perhaps I failed as a father. The tendency is always to blame the other person. There were things I could have done differently, I did the best I could." Despite his efforts, Christian was sentenced to ten years in prison; after his release, although he made an attempt at living quietly, he continued to appear in tabloids for his involvement in other Hollywood scandals and his 2005 guilty plea in a spousal abuse case.

He died of pneumonia at 49. Cheyenne committed suicide in 1995, at the age of 25. Marlon Brando, it seems, was far more successful as "Godfather" than as father.

Answer: A blanket shielded his face from photographers.

Young Prince Michael Jackson II (Prince Michael Jackson I is his older brother) is Jackson's third child. In November 2002, at the age of about nine months, the child accompanied his father and older siblings to Berlin, where Jackson was to attend a benefit gala and accept a lifetime achievement award. When a crowd of fans collected underneath Jackson's fourth-floor balcony and asked if they could see his baby, Jackson held the infant out over the railing, with no protection other than an arm around his waist. There was, however, a cloth draped over the baby's face, earning him the tabloid nickname "Blanket." The scene was played on news programs around the world, and the stunt was widely criticized; Jackson released a statement admitting that he "made a terrible mistake."

A year later, he was charged with the molestation of a young boy, who had attended several sleepovers at Jackson's ranch; arguing that the sleepovers had been completely platonic, Jackson was acquitted in 2005.

Answer: Phil Hartman, comedian

O.J. Simpson, an American football star and actor, was tried for the 1994 murder of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson; their daughter and son were eight and five at the time of her death. Robert Blake, an actor specializing in hard-bitten roles, was instantly a suspect when his wife -- Bonnie Lee Bakley, the mother of his baby daughter Rose -- was found murdered outside a restaurant. Both had hugely publicized trials, with Simpson's in particular becoming a media circus; both were convicted in the media and acquitted by the courts; and both retained custody of their traumatized children. (Both were also later successfully sued for the wrongful deaths of the victims in those cases, in the civil courts where the standard of proof is lower. The civil judgment against Simpson was used by the victims' families to prevent him from publishing a book with the singularly tasteless title "If I Did It.")

Phil Hartman, famed for his roles on "Saturday Night Live" and "The Simpsons", was murdered in his sleep by his wife Brynn in 1998; she killed herself later that day. They left behind two children, aged 9 and 6.

Answer: Macaulay Culkin

Macaulay Culkin, born in 1980, was the third of his parents' seven children; two of his younger brothers also had acting careers. He played various minor roles on stage, in TV episodes and in the movies from the age of 4, but his breakaway success came with the 1990 release of "Home Alone," in which a clever ten-year-old - accidentally left behind when his family flies to Paris for Christmas - fends off the burglars targeting his home. He spent the next four years anchoring various films, from the tearjerker "My Girl" to the comic-book adventure "Richie Rich," but left acting in 1994 as his parents broke up and he became disillusioned with his father's management of his career. He was reportedly tired of being signed up for movie roles without ever getting to see a script; his father's pushy behavior was alienating others in the movie business; and his parents' split made everything more complicated. He sought emancipation from his parents, in part to prevent his earnings from being used up in their bitter custody fight, and then discovered that they had never technically married in the first place.

In 2000, Culkin began tentatively restarting his acting career, returning to the stage in the West End production of "Madame Melville" and finding cult success in the 2003 movie "Party Monster." When his comeback began, he had not spoken to his father in four years.

Answer: Woody Allen

Soon-Yi Previn, adopted as a child by Mia Farrow and musician André Previn, was only nine when Woody Allen came into her life. There is no evidence that they had a romantic relationship before she was old enough to legally consent to one, but by the time she had grown up he clearly was not thinking of her as a father figure should. (Since Allen and Farrow never married, he was not legally Soon-Yi's stepfather; the morals of the matter are a separate question. He was the legal father of three of Farrow's other children, and his visitation rights with seven-year-old Dylan were revoked in the aftermath of Farrow's discovery.) Allen may have won three Oscars and numerous other prizes, but it's safe to say he won't be winning many awards for his parenting.

Thank you for joining me in studying some rather dubious lifestyles of the rich and famous!