"The Ersatz Elevator: Part One" Quiz

Answer: Mulctuary Money Management

"For Beatrice-- When we met, my life began. Soon afterward, yours ended."

There is a distinct difference between the word 'nervous' and the word 'anxious'. The word 'nervous' simply means 'to be worried about something'. The word 'anxious', however, means 'to be troubled by disturbing suspense'. You will likely be nervous as this story unfolds, but the Baudelaires are anxious as Mr. Poe drops them off on a fashionable city block not far from the wreckage where the family house once stood. While the city is on a manhunt for Count Olaf and the missing Quagmires, the Baudelaires are to check in with their new guardians at 667 Dark Avenue. As soon as they get there, mr. Poe leaves to catch a helicopter.

Answer: Elevators

The doorman of 667 Dark Avenue informs the Baudelaires that they will be staying with the city's sixth-most-important financial advisors, Mr. and Mrs. Squalor, who live in the penthouse suite of the building. He also apologizes for the lack of lights but he explains that dark is 'in' and fashionable. The children are told that they will need to take the stairs to the top, mainly because the elevator is 'out' (again, out of fashion).

At the top floor, Klaus makes note that there are two separate elevators unlike on the other floors where there is only one. And to his surprise, one is not out of order. Before he can hit the button to call the elevator, the doors to the penthouse open.

Answer: Pinstripe suits

Jerome Squalor, pleased to meet the Baudelaires, introduces himself as their new guardian and quickly mixes them up some martinis-- aqueous martinis though, since alcoholic ones are 'out'. He tells the children that he used to spend tons of time with their parents enjoying high-impact birdwatching on Mount Fraught, but when he married his wife and was told to leave all of his old friends behind, he had no choice but to part ways with them. He wanted to adopt them sooner, but orphans were 'out' at the time.
That's when Esme Gigi Genevieve Squalor introduces herself to the children and sets things straight-- light is 'out', dark is 'in'; stairs are 'in', elevators are 'out'; pinstripe suits are 'in', and the clothes that the Baudelaires are wearing are definitely 'out'. Nonetheless, they will be made comfortable in their new abode provided they follow the fashions.
Esme and Jerome also express their anxiousness towards the missing Quagmire triplets, Jerome out of what seems authentic worry and Esme out of eagerness to have more orphans. They tell the Baudelaires that when they're found, they will be adopted as well. The more orphans hanging around, the better.
Just as they say this, the newspaper arrives. Light is now 'in' and dark is 'out'. The Baudelaires are encouraged to open the drapes before anyone sees.

Answer: Auctioneer

As the Baudelaires open the automatic curtains in the living room, they find that Count Olaf is hiding directly behind them, and after a quick monologue, the children call the Squalors in to reveal him early. Unfortunately, Count Olaf is now disguised as a man named Gunther, who Esme claims is very 'in' because he's a foreigner.

He manages to slip the wool over the Squalors' eyes and assure the children that Count Olaf can't possibly be caught because if he were, no one would ever find the Quagmire orphans and they would starve. The conversation shifts when Esme tires of depressing topics.

Instead, she turns everyone's minds to the upcoming 'In Auction' which is expected to be held on the 'innest' day (tomorrow) and the 'innest' place (Veblen Hall) with the 'innest' auctioneer, Gunther. And all the money goes to Esme. Jerome thinks that they should give the money to homeless people, but Esme says that the homeless can't eat money.

She's not wrong.

Answer: Violet

After the children change into their 'in' pinstripe suits, Klaus goes to the living room to protect Jerome from Count Olaf while Violet heads out to explore the seventy plus rooms of the penthouse suite in search of, hopefully, the Quagmires. Klaus convinces Esme to give a tour of the many dining rooms of the penthouse while Violet avoids the procession, somehow stumbling on a large cabinet full of extra dry vermouth in one of the less-formal dining spaces.

She inevitably ends up checking every room systematically before reuniting with the others. Esme, famished by the tour, suggests that they go to the most 'in' restaurant, half a block away, but first they should take a photograph as a group to sent to the Daily Punctilio.

It's published within hours.

Answer: Olivia Caliban

As the news breaks out that the Baudelaires are with the Squalors, Olivia Caliban announces her sabbatical as a preparatory school librarian and visits with Mr. Poe at Mulctuary Money Management to inquire about the guardianship choices he's been making for the orphans.

She does, of course, have 'The Incomplete History of Secret Organizations' with her. Jacquelyn, across the room, notes this to herself with interest and grabs Olivia on the way out, insisting that she'll call her a cab. Within moments, Olivia is picked up by Jacques Snicket who quickly admits to being a volunteer and convinces her to come along for the ride.

Answer: Cafe Salmonella

By the time the Baudelaires and Squalors make it to street level, all of the trees that were put up to keep Dark Avenue dark have been cut down. They head to the restaurant in a limo and arrive in about twenty seconds, merely crossing the block, but it turns out that the restaurant-- Herring Houdini-- is falsely operated by Count Olaf's cronies. Esme refuses to eat there because they serve vodka martinis which, obviously, are 'out'.

At the same time, Jacques Snicket and Olivia Caliban arrive on Dark Avenue and Jacquelyn convinces Mr. and Mrs. Poe not to take a helicopter ride and instead take her to lunch for Secretary's Day. Everyone ends up at the Cafe Salmonella.

It's 'in', obviously.

Answer: Mrs. Poe

The Baudelaires soon come to find that the waiter at Cafe Salmonella is none other than Larry, who's been helping them all this time. Larry serves them salmon-flavoured water (in still and sparkling varieties) before urging the children to look at the Virulently Fishy Decor. He urges the table to enjoy the forty-six course meal designed for those living in a forty-six storey building. He reasons it's all the better, at their leisure, so that other things can happen in the meantime.
Jacquelyn and the Poes arrive soon after and while Count Olaf takes Mrs. Poe away to show her the next 'in' restaurant, Jacquelyn tells the Baudelaires that she's there for some Vigorously Fancy Dining before wielding her spyglass. In secret, of course.
Jacques and Olivia, meanwhile, ascend the side of 667 Dark Avenue.

Answer: False

The life cycle of the salmon, according to our narrator, is not unlike the life cycle of a human being in that it begins under cozy circumstances, gets progressively colder, and often ends in suffering and tragedy. Swimming upstream, which salmon tend to do, is quite difficult since it implies going against the current.

The Baudelaires definitely feel this way at the Cafe Salmonella, partly because no one can seem to see through Gunther's disguise. They try to talk to Jerome about this, but a new copy of the Daily Punctilio arrives declaring Cafe Salmonella 'out' and Herring Houdini 'in'. Esme demands they leave as the rest of the patrons flood out and across Dark Avenue. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny take the opportunity to escape back to the apartment to chase a lead Klaus has developed with the elevators. No one notices a statue moving around in the restaurant after it's vacated.

Answer: Yes

As the crowd heads upstream to Herring Houdini, the Baudelaires return to Dark Avenue in a giant fish statue and ascend to the penthouse floor. Klaus hits the button for the elevator and when the doors open, the children find that there's no car or cables inside; it's ersatz, Klaus explains, as it's just a long, dark tunnel. They have time to investigate though.

After the Squalors sample some herring dishes, Count Olaf is lured into singing a foreign song (for Secretary's Day!) to appease the diners of Herring Houdini. Using Esme's most 'in' items, the Baudelaires fashion a basket that allow them to float down the forty-six storey elevator shaft to the bottom, and that's where they find Duncan and Isadora, trapped in a cage at the bottom.