That's What He Said! Trivia Quiz

Answer: Old lady in Twoson

Walking along the sidewalk in Twoson, north of the open-air marketplace and just south of the Twoson Department Store, is a cute little old lady. This text was intended to be seen when the party consists of Ness and Paula, but amusingly, players can get the same message anytime two party members are "active" (that is, not unconscious).

The game just loves to break that fourth wall every so often. In the epilogue, this same woman says something new: "My grandson is playing a game called 'EarthBound.' He's now talking to a plain, old lady in Twoson. I heard that the game has some messages that are just there for fun."

Answer: Philosopher in Dalaam

The fourth and final member of Ness's party is Prince Poo, a young man from Dalaam, which the game simply says is somewhere "in the Far East." Just outside the royal palace is a wise-looking man who, when spoken to, shares his philosophical musings. Sometimes his thoughts are deep ("What is immortality...?"), and other times they're slightly less than profound.

Another of this guy's decidedly amusing remarks is, "I'm a little embarrassed to say it, but I'll tell you anyway... I thought 'philosophy' was the study of stones. I now realize it's about studying all night... ...What? It's not?"

"EarthBound" -- the game that never takes itself too seriously!

Answer: Miss Fake, theater manager

The jazz band known as the "Runaway Five" first get into a $10,000 debt at the Chaos Theater in Twoson, but Ness manages to come to their rescue. A little later in the game, though, the Five are in even-worse trouble: They signed a terrible contract at the Topolla Theater in Fourside, and the manager, Miss Fink, won't release them. Unless, of course, they can cough up a million dollars.

Well, they can't do that, so Ness becomes their less-than-mysterious benefactor once again. When a miner he helped in the desert unearths a huge diamond, he gives it to Ness, who does what any teenager would do in that situation -- he uses it to pay off someone's debt, of course.

When Miss Fake receives the diamond, she is initially so excited she screams -- and then a few seconds later she regains her composure (or so she pretends). In fact, she says, "You should thank me. That diamond is worth maybe... MAYBE... $50. So I gave you a bargain."

Later on in the game, she offers some wise words to live by, with an RPG twist: "Life is money. I've lived that life. You can buy everything but 'love,' 'friendship' and 'exp [experience] points.'"

Answer: The sailor from Toto

After attending to things in the resort town of Summers, Ness and friends visit the neighboring Toto, a quaint little port town. The next destination is Scaraba, and as luck would have it, there's a sailor who's willing to take the kids there: "If you're courageous, get on this boat. You'll probably see the Kraken and experience getting seasick! After all, it could only cost you your life, and you got that for free!"

This guy initially has trouble getting his sea legs again, though, and *he* ends up feeling seasick. He asks the gang about their newest member, and he can't help but notice the unusual Carrot Key, which he remarks on.

En route to Scaraba, the ship is ambushed by Kraken, the enormous sea monster. When the beast is destroyed by Ness and company, the captain is duly impressed: "Oh, man! I thought you guys were just everyday little kids, but you defeated
the Kraken!" Deciding he deserves a little bit of credit too, he quickly adds, "I also helped in the battle... I threw my slippers at the beast... Maybe you didn't notice."

Answer: Mr. Saturn

Ah, the Mr. Saturns ... perhaps the single most memorable part of the "EarthBound" experience. This race of peaceful beings is ... well, very strange, but endearingly so. The Mr. Saturns are shaped like walking bald heads with big noses. They speak English -- or rather, their strange version it -- referred to as "Saturnian."

This rarely encountered line of dialogue comes up if you go to the Saturn Valley shop and try to use the "sell" command when you have no sellable items.

Shigesato Itoi, the mastermind behind "EarthBound," has given a great deal of info about the Mr. Saturn species. As Clyde Mandelin notes in "Legends of Localization," pp. 182-183, Mr. Itoi has stated, among other things, that the Mr. Saturns "were meant to represent pure innocence," and that their silly font (in the Japanese version) was based Itoi's young daughter's handwriting.

Because the translation team needed to come up with an equally memorable, unique way of having the Mr. Saturns speak in the English version, they created their own very-stylized version of English letters and numbers, and kept the speech patterns similarly screwy. And Mandelin relates that the lead writer's use of "ding!", "boing!" and "zoom!" (in the Mr. Saturns' speech) was inspired by childhood memories of "Looney Tunes" cartoons and their wacky sound-effects.

The Mr. Saturns' sentences are so grammatically and syntactically wacky, it makes Yoda of "Star Wars" sound like the Poet Laureate!

Answer: Ruffini

Early on in the game, Ness can go to the Onett drugstore to stock up on items. Near the store's payphone is a cute white dog, which Ness can communicate with via telepathy. After initially saying just "Woof! Woof!", the dog identifies himself as "Ruffini." The "spirit of the game designer" (Shigesato Itoi) enters the dog, proceeds to give Ness a few sentences of explanation about weapons and how to equip them, and then returns the pup to normal.

Obviously, the name is a portmanteau of "ruff" (a bark) and "Houdini," the famous magician and escape artist. "Legends of Localization" (pg. 110) notes that in the Japanese version, this animal's name is given as "Itako Dog," with the explanation that an "itako" refers to a type of shaman or clairvoyant.

Once Ness's adventure is over, if he returns to speak to the dog, it will have a brand-new message: "Woof! Woof! I'm Ruffini the dog. Here comes the spirit of the game designer again... Ruff! (You're finally almost to the end of the game. If you want to tell me your comments on this game, you may write to me using Nintendo's address on the box. Send your comments attention EarthBound, Ruffini the dog. Now, get ready for the ending! It's all that's left... enjoy it! Bow woow wow! Well, I told you some strange info again... I'll go back to being a normal dog now...) Woof!"

Answer: Man in Moonside streets

Hey, what's another "'EarthBound' quotes" quiz without revisiting Moonside's midnight madness and mirror-image messages, right? Pretty much everyone in this place is messing with your head, as logic goes out the window and sentences degrade into a spilled bowlful of syllabic soup.

One Moonside man, who's just up the road behind the Moonside Cafe, delivers the line, which actually begins, "Wwwweeelcome come to Mmmmmoooonsiddeee." The rest of the line is his way of telling Ness and Jeff that they'll go crazy -- and also NOT crazy -- if they linger for long.

Here are a couple of other Moonsidians' greetings: "Welcome to Moonside. We comel to Soonmide. Moonwel ot cosidme." "Welcome to Moonside. Wel come to moo nsi ns dem oons ide."

And who knows what's going on in this other fellow's head: "Hey! Parking meters! And you're walking around! Haha... That's so funny."

Answer: Man in Happy Happy Village

Look, if you're going to set up a cult based on turning the whole world BLUE, why would you put it in a place named "Happy-Happy Village"? A little ironic, isn't it? In any event, every last person in this village -- as well as one cow -- is absolutely obsessed with Happy-Happyism, and they're so brainwashed by the cult's leader, Mr. Carpainter, that they pretty much can't think about or say anything without involving his bogus blue-themed beliefs.

However, this line is delivered by a village resident AFTER everyone regains their senses. Now obviously, it's hilarious -- though interestingly, as "Legends of Localization" (pg. 157) points out, the original line in Japanese conveyed the exact opposite sentiment -- "My wife who had returned ran away again. Man, I have no luck." And THAT somehow turned into, "My wife has run away for a second time. I'm suck a lucky man!" Gee, do you think one of the translators might have been going through a bitter divorce?

As a side note, if Ness speaks to this same man before the town returns to normal, the guy will say, "When I painted everything blue, as Mr. Carpainter said, my wife who had run out on me returned home!"

Answer: Onett policeman

The cops in Onett get decidedly snarky at times -- although with all that's going on, it seems fair to assume they're mostly just royally stressed-out. The town is in a bit of an uproar over the meteorite that crashed, the "Sharks" gang is out of control, and citizens and cops alike seem decidedly displeased with Mayor Pirkle's leadership. They see him as ineffective and not very proactive (which the game makes clear is an accurate assessment).

Anyway, this particular officer confronts Ness after the boy's visit to the mysterious landmark known as "Giant Step." The only way to reach the caves that lead to Giant Step is via an entrance through a small wooden shack, which has a "Do Not Enter" sign posted next to it -- and the cop is annoyed because Ness obviously disregarded the sign.

The quoted line is actually part of a longer rant the cop goes on, which is equally amusing; here it is in full: "So here you are. You're the little delinquent that came back from Giant Step! Now you listen here... 'Don't Enter' means just that -- DO NOT ENTER! You got that? And furthermore... Blah blah blah blah. It's usually those tax evaders who... Blah blah blah blah We don't enjoy blocking off the roads, you know... It's usually the local whiners that make a big deal about emergencies and meteorites! Blah blah blah blah blah blah..."

Answer: Dr. Andonuts

Dr. Andonuts is an exceptionally bright scientist with a laboratory in Winters, and his son is Jeff Andonuts, the genius and inventor who joins Ness's party. Both versions of the game make abundantly clear that Dr. Andonuts is, well, a remarkably poor father -- probably not deliberately, but he just doesn't seem to have a clue about father-son relationships.

In any event, the good scientist delivers this line when he finally meets Jeff again, after having not seen him in about ten years. He's clearly surprised by Jeff's unexpected appearance: "What? Who? My son? Oh... I... can't... I can't believe it..."

Decidedly unsure what to say, the man makes a somewhat clumsy attempt to start a conversation: "I'm so glad you're such a healthy boy. Uh, those glasses look good on you. How about a donut?" If Jeff says "yes," it leads to the quoted reply.

I'm kind of surprised that the game didn't play more with the last name, since "EarthBound" loves its goofy puns and jokes. Clyde Mandelin does shed some light on the surname: It comes from "an-doughnut," which is a special type of popular Japanese doughnut that's usually "filled with a sweet red bean paste" (pg. 177).

By the way, we're never told what Jeff's father's first name is. In the spirit of "EarthBound," I'm going to guess that it's "Coffee."

Answer: Tomas Jefferson

Okay, this is getting into some pretty obscure territory, because the line is only encountered under very specific, rare conditions. Out in the Dusty Dunes Desert, a bit south and west of the miner's "excavation office" (a wooden shack), there are three Mexican men. If Ness should happen to check out the old slot-machine right nearby, it will actually speak to him telepathically: "(I'm a broken slot machine. But, the Sanchez Brothers and their friend are a very cheerful trio... they will make you happy.) (Would you like to insert a buck?)"

Well, if Ness speaks to the three men, one will introduce himself as "big brother Pancho," another will introduce himself as "kid brother Pincho," and the third will say, "I'm Tomas Jefferson." If you give the slot machine a dollar, these three men -- who, inexplicably, are wearing signs with slot-machine symbols -- will "turn" around a few times, and if all three end on the same symbol, Ness wins a prize, and Tomas walks over to hand it to you.

Now, for starters, it's uncommon for players to even notice these men at all, much less to talk to them and play their "slot machine" game. Rarer still is to actually win a prize; it can take a good fifteen or twenty tries! But the only way to see the above dialogue is to find the men, play their game and win -- and have absolutely no more inventory room. If you're completely full, you forfeit the prize.

Apart from the bizarre fact that Ness can telepathically talk to people, animals and inanimate objects, you may also wonder why one man thinks he's the third president of the United States! Well, the completely out-of-place "name" is sort of just part-and-parcel of the game's humor, but here's a fun factoid from "Legends of Localization," pg. 194: In the Japanese version, the third Mexican says he's "Oshio Heihachiro," an important samurai from the 19th century. So the translators chose a replacement name -- one that people in the U.S. have actually heard of!

Answer: Saleswoman in Fourside Mall

Boy, Fourside was sure meant to give off that big-city feel -- the hustle-and-bustle, the towering skyscrapers, the huge shopping centers, the sort-of-brusque mannerisms of some of the citizens -- and so on.

There's not a great deal to say about this quote, other than the hilarious rudeness of a saleswoman on the second floor, behind the counter of a shop simply marked "Tool." If you speak with her and then decide not to buy (or sell) anything, she'll say this line. Most merchants throughout the game are decidedly more friendly, though some are amusing in their own right; one salesman in the Onett Drugstore jokes, "You don't want to buy anything from me? Oh, you hurt my feelings."

The big mall is referred to once as the "Fourside Grand," but usually it's just called the Fourside Department Store. It's a bit amusing -- when walking around the town (or looking at the map), it appears to be an absolutely colossal building, on par with the 48-floor office building right nearby -- but inside, the department store only has three floors!

Answer: Woman in Onett Library

The Onett Library seems to only have one librarian on duty -- a woman at the front desk. The place seems a bit short-staffed! Anyway, from near the start of the game, Ness can borrow a map, and it can be used in most of the game's major areas. The librarian is rather amusing -- she'll ask Ness if he'd like to borrow a map, and if he says "no," she'll reply, "A man without a map isn't popular with the girls. Do you want one now?" And no matter how many times Ness refuses, she'll keep repeating the same line until she hears a "yes" -- she's determined that you're going to get a map, whether you like it or not!

After giving you the map, the librarian delivers her silly line about "all the info," then she does a little bit of fourth-wall-breaking by commenting that you can call up the map by "pressing the X button."

At the end of the game, Ness can opt to revisit the library and return a book he checked out. If he does so, the librarian will say, "You're such a good boy. As a reward, I'll give you a kiss. Smack!" (Talk about a friendly town!) If Ness tries to give the map back, the same lady will say, "It's not necessary to return the map now. Come back in the year 2001 to return it." By the way, did you ever notice that the game never specifies exactly what year the story is set in? It just says "199X."

Answer: Man in Fourside cafe

Jackie's Cafe, one of the many places to visit in Fourside, is full of amusing characters. One of them is a lady who consistently remarks that kids shouldn't drink espresso. Another patron is a man who, every time you converse with him, tells a really lame joke. He goes through a whole roster of unfunny jokes throughout the game, and he grows gradually more and more depressed that no one finds him amusing. At one point, he'll say, "If you hear any funny jokes, be sure you let loose and laugh... Please... I'm counting on you to laugh! *boo hoo hoo*..."

The final time, in the epilogue, he'll attempt this joke: "Knock,
knock!... (who's there?) Sawyer... (Sawyer who?) Sawyer doin' well, I'm fine,
too!" When it proves a dud, he'll say the one thing that's actually hilarious -- even though he obviously doesn't intend it to be so -- "Now my self-confidence is TOTALLY shot! Back to therapy..."

Another person at the same cafe table relates an anecdote that's also quite amusing: "I was in the middle of a caffeine buzz, and I had to get to the bathroom fast! When I got there, I accidentally knocked on the wall instead of the restroom door... The next thing I knew, someone asked 'Who is it?' and really surprised me! Maybe I just imagined it?..."

Well, "EarthBound" has certainly got one thing right: At a cafe or a bar, you can meet all sorts of colorful characters!

Answer: Stoic Club waiter

Oh, the Stoic Club in Summers ... boy did the writers have a field day mocking the kind of people who go around, talking a bunch of quasi-philosophical baloney and throwing around seemingly random combinations of "intelligent-sounding" words.

What do the members of the Stoic Club have to say? Well, here's one: "I've finally awakened the inner me, the true self. The patrons of this club are able to stare into their own soul hard enough to burn a hole in their psyche. [...] Don't get in my way while I search for the little girl within me."

Another: "You guys can't envision the final collapse of capitalism? Incredible!"

And this gem: "Didactically speaking, seminal evidence seems to explicate the fact that your repudiation of entropy supports my theory of space-time synthesis. Of this, I am irrefutably confident."

You kind of get the impression that Ness -- like any other teenage boy on Earth -- would probably be thinking to himself, "THIS is what adults talk about?" Of course, as the quote shows, the waiter at the club finds it amusing -- and absurd -- that, as he says, "everyone stares at the stone on stage and philosophizes." So the fact that he commiserates with the stupidity of it all is some comfort! He concedes, "You don't understand what the hey everyone is talking about, do you? I don't either..."

Amusingly, at the end of the game, Ness can no longer enter the club, because if he calls, he finds out it's long since closed down. In its place has opened the "Lazy Cowpoke Stop 'n' Go" -- a truck stop. In the middle of a resort town.

Truly, only in "EarthBound"!