Condolence and Support Quiz | Cultures

Quiz Answer Key and Fun Facts

1. Pedantic as it may seem, the origin of the word "condolence" reveals a lot about how to help someone who has lost. What are the Latin roots of "condolence"?

Answer: To grieve together

The word derives from "com" (together) and "dolere" (to grieve). This underscores the basic message that one can give to one who is grieving: "You are not alone."

2. According to Leonard and Hilary Zunin's book, "The Art of Condolence", what one thing, above all else, should one NOT do for a grieving person?

Answer: Withdraw from them socially for fear of saying the wrong thing

Even if you say the "wrong" thing, you are still providing the human contact that the grieving person needs. The example the Zunins give is of a well-meaning condoler who noted that someone who had lost their 97-year-old father was blessed to have them for so long.

This infuriated the grieving person, but when the condoler (yes, that is a word) apologized, he found himself on the receiving end of a long hug and thanks just for being there.

3. Though a handwritten note on stationery is fine, a commercially available card is probably more appropriate in most circumstances. You should send neither if you visit the bereaved personally.

Answer: False

If you can, a written note, preferably on nice, muted stationery, is the best way to go. If you really do not feel that your writing is up to par (though in almost every case, since it comes from you, it almost certainly is) and you would rather send a card, a handwritten note of some substance helps immensely. Likewise, even if you do visit the person mourning, a written testament is an important reminder that they are not alone, even if no one is physically present.

If you are at a loss for what to write, the Zunins suggest this outline:

1. Acknowledge the loss
2. Express your sympathy
3. Note special qualities of the deceased
4. Recount a memory of the deceased
5. Note special qualities of the person to whom you're writing
6. Offer assistance (NOTE: this offer should be very concrete if appropriate. For example, "Would you mind if I came over to rake your leaves?" may be much more comforting than "Let me know if there is anything I can do." The latter statement rings rather hollow; the first leaves little doubt that you really do care.)
7. Close with a thoughtful word or phrase.

3 and 4 may be omitted if you did not know the deceased personally. Alternately, memories that the bereaved has confided in the past can be substituted.

4. Perhaps the best-known condolence letter in the English language was written to Mrs. Linda Bixby in 1864. It reads: "I have been shown in the files of the War Department a statement of the Adjutant General of Massachusetts that you are the mother of five sons who have died gloriously on the field of battle. I feel how weak and fruitless must be any word of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the Republic they died to save. I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of freedom." What Union leader of the United States Civil War composed this eloquent, though ironically flawed, epistle? (For an explanation, see the interesting information.)

Answer: Abraham Lincoln

Trivia mavens will be quick to point out that Lincoln was in error when composing this classic of compassion; only two of Mrs. Bixby's sons had actually died for the Union cause. Further, Bixby was no admirer of the president, though scholars differ over whether this was due to Confederate sympathies or pacifism.

Lincoln's misjudging of Mrs. Bixby's feelings on the death of her children (by all accounts, she certainly felt no "solemn pride") provides an important object lesson on a common pitfall of condolence notes, namely the projection of one's own values onto the bereaved. For example, many people would not hesitate to write something along the lines of: "She is in the arms of Jesus now." This might not be taken well by a bereaved person of a non-Christian faith or who has had traumatic experiences with organized religion. Unless you are certain of your recipient's feelings on matters like this, think twice about including even such well-intentioned sentiments.

5. Which of the following, according to the Zunins, is probably not a good thing to say to a young person who has lost their parent?

Answer: All of these are probably bad ideas

Saying that a parent has "gone away" implies that the child has been abandoned; being unwanted is probably the worst sentiment any child can feel. Conversely, charging a child with taking care of a parent is both cruel and, in the example above, downright sexist. Finally, putting the onus of a parent's death on G-d may add a new level of confusion and resentment to what is already one of the worst times that most people will go through.

This should not discourage you from reaching out to children, however; a sincere note, especially one acknowledging the child's feelings and courage, can be especially helpful in such a scary and awful time.

6. Though any loss is painful, often indescribably so, losing a loved one to suicide can be especially devastating to many. According to the Zunins, which of the following sentiments may be especially important to include in a condolence to someone whose loved one has died this way?

Answer: Forgiveness

A common emotional response to suicide is guilt, often overwhelming in its intensity. Often, religious concerns may present paradoxes that intensify this guilt and confusion; this should be avoided in the aftermath of such a death, though of course if you are the bereaved's religious confidant you may have a special role in their healing. Likewise, making the bereaved feel responsible for the loss does not help anyone - usually the reverse is true. Along the same lines, trying to get inside the head of the deceased is probably not a good idea - your primary concern as a condoler is for the living, and the living often have a great need to forgive the person who has passed.

They may also feel the need to forgive themselves. Quite often, the road of healing through forgiveness is one that you and the person you are condoling may need to walk together.

7. In most Jewish families, mourning is formally observed for seven days of remembrance after burial; this is called "sitting shivah". What is the appropriate manner of offering condolence to someone sitting shivah?

Answer: Stopping by the home for a short visit bringing food

The hallmark of shivah is simplicity. Someone sitting shivah doesn't groom themselves or shave and does not transact business or even leave the house unless absolutely necessary. Customarily, mirrors are covered and the mourners sit either on the floor or on low benches. Shivah is suspended for the Sabbath, as this is a day of celebration, though a mourner is not to receive a Torah blessing during this time. Visitors are welcome after the third day, though in some congregations condolers bring food as soon as immediately after the funeral, since the family should not have to worry about feeding the shivah minyan (the group of at least ten "official" mourners), but no flowers, please. Bagels - symbolizing the "circle of life" - are particularly appropriate.

8. After the initial shock of the loss has passed and the mourner has returned to work or other "normal" activities, it is good, right, and perhaps even necessary to send a "follow-up" card or email.

Answer: True

Though these do not need to be as elaborate as the initial condolence message, little notes with sentiments like "Remember, I care about you," "Are you taking care of yourself?", or "Let me know if you'd like me to pick you up to go to Temple" can be invaluable as the reality of loss sets in.

9. In some ways, saying the "right thing" to someone with a grave illness can be more challenging than offering sympathy after someone has died. According to Mary DeVries' "The New American Handbook of Letter Writing", what should one NOT discuss with someone who is terminally ill?

Answer: The possibilities of new treatment for their illness

Though miracles do happen, they can be discussed after they occur. As a well-wisher, you are there to cheer your loved one up, so the illness itself should not be dwelt upon. Rather, the emphasis should be on life in all its remaining beauty. (Of course, if someone wants to discuss, or "vent" about their illness with you, this is an important thing you can to help.)

10. One lesson a person learns, or should learn, from being there for someone who is grieving is to value friends and family while they are still among us. As a popular duo of magicians who host an award-winning skeptical program on Showtime cable network put it: "A ham sandwich, a soda, and a joke now mean more to your loved ones than a $10,000 coffin after they're dead." Who are these two debunkers of modern folly?

Answer: Penn & Teller

This quote (spoken by Penn; Teller is always silent as part of their act) comes from the episode "Death, Inc." In it, the duo raise the question of how much people pay for funerals (including coffins of over $1,000 - for a cremation!) and whether that is money well-spent.

They conclude that the best strategy to spare your own loved ones this financial expense, along with much emotional stress, is to pre-plan and pre-finance your funeral in a cost-appropriate manner. This, I think, is advice we can all take to heart.

Source: Author stuthehistoryguy

This quiz was reviewed by FunTrivia editor trident before going online.
Any errors found in FunTrivia content are routinely corrected through our feedback system.

Condolence and Support Trivia Quiz

This quiz is for anyone who has ever wondered what to say to someone who has lost. It focuses on letters, but may be helpful even if you choose not to write.

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