Anatomy of a Song: "Have Some Madeira M'dear?" Quiz

Answer: Sweet seventeen

'She was young, she was pure, she was new, she was nice
She was fair, she was sweet seventeen'
No, she wasn't 'sweet sixteen and never been kissed', to use the cliche - neither was she prone to gallstones (female, fat, fair, forty, fertile and flatulent) - and I have no idea who on earth could be flippant and forty-seven.

Answer: To view his collection of stamps

'He had slyly inveigled her up to his flat
To view his collection of stamps'
Asking someone if they want to see your stamps or etchings or choose a puppy are all time-honoured (dishonoured?) ways of enticing people into your place. Discussions on post-modernist art is a more intellectual ploy.

Answer: The fire

'And he said as he hastened to put out the cat
The wine, his cigar and the lamps'

This is an example of 'Zeugma' - a Greek expression meaning 'yoking' or 'bonding', which means using one verb to refer to two different objects, or using an adjective to refer to two different nouns, even though the adjective would normally only be appropriate for one of the two. If the resulting construction changes the verb's initial meaning, it is called a syllepsis.

Answer: Beer

'Have some Madeira, m'dear
It's really much nicer than beer'
There's a tradition of selling yourself for Madeira - Falstaff was accused by Poins of exchanging his soul for a leg of chicken and a goblet of Madeira in Shakespeare's Henry IV (Part 1, Act 1, Scene 2).

Answer: Chacun a son gout

'And port is a wine I can well do without
It's simply a case of chacun a son gout'
Port is supposed to give you gout (a very painful complaint) so he pronounces 'gout' (which should have an 'oo' sound) as the disease (with an 'out' sound). I told you this was a clever song. 'Honi soit qui mal y pense' is the motto of the order of the Garter and means 'Shame upon him who thinks evil of it' in Old French, 'Repondez s'il vous plait' is the RSVP at the bottom of an invitation and 'Je suis un petit champignon avec un mitrailleuse' means 'I am a little mushroom with a machine gun' which I made up to amuse myself during O-Level French (and yes, I did pass, with a B).

Answer: Her standards

'She lowered her standards by raising her glass
Her courage, her eyes and his hopes'
Another zeugma or syllepsis here. The sheer lechery Michael Flanders delivers this song with has to be heard to be believed.

Answer: The butt of his gold-handled cane

'And he said as he secretly carved one more notch
On the butt of his gold-handled cane'
The cad! Some people are said to keep notches on their bedstead, and gunfighters purportedly carved notches on their revolvers, to indicate people they'd shot. The small totem pole I made up - that's just silly.

Answer: No

'Now if it were gin, you'd be wrong to say yes,
The evil gin does would be hard to assess
(Besides it's inclined to affect my prowess)
Have some Madeira, m'Dear!'
Gin was once known as 'Mother's Ruin', but he seems determined to make Madeira hers!

Answer: Her mother's

'Then there flashed though her mind what her mother had said
With her antepenultimate breath:
"Oh my child, should you look at the wine which is red
Be prepared for a fate worse than death!"'
Did you know that the American Declaration of Independence was toasted in Madeira? I guess Budweiser wasn't around then.

Answer: All the answers are correct

'When he asked "What in Heaven?" she made no reply,
Up her mind and a dash for the door.
"Have some Madeira, m'Dear!"
Rang out down the hall, loud and clear,
A tremulous cry that was filled with despair
As she paused to take breath in the full midnight air.
"Have some Madeira, m'Dear!"

More syllepsis here! So, she escaped? Well, the song then ends with:
'Until the next morning, she woke up in bed
With a smile on her lips and an ache in her head
And a beard in her ear 'ole that tickled and said
Have some Madeira, m'dear'.
So you make up your own mind! I hope you've enjoyed the quiz, and a final Madeira fact for you: the 'vat of Malmsey' in which the condemned Duke of Clarence chose to be drowned was actually a large vessel of the Malvasia wine - a Madeira! Dangerous stuff, eh?