The Lucius Malfoy Experience Trivia Quiz

Answer: 'Touch nothing, Draco'

Although I had been mentioned in the first book, I made my proper entrance in the second. My first line was delivered in Borgin and Burke's, when I went there with Draco. I did end up buying him a broom, no harm in indulging the boy sometimes. Ah, the memories...

Answer: Uncle-in-law

Well, we obviously don't speak about that particular part of the family that much, but since you asked...My wife Narcissa's sister Andromeda married a Muggle-born wizard, Ted Tonks. Nymphadora Tonks is their half-blood offspring, and is therefore Narcissa's niece, and Draco's cousin. Like I said, we don't speak of them. I hear she is actually considering marrying that shabby werewolf, Lupin. I can assure you that there are no Muggles in the Malfoy family tree.

Answer: Hit in the eye by an 'Encyclopaedia of Toadstools'

Ah, the indignity. I didn't come out of it any worse than Weasley though. Just like him to lose his cool like that. I think you will agree that my comments concerning his...uh...associations were completely fair. Actually, the fight gave me a perfect opportunity to slip the Dark Lord's diary to the Weasley girl, so it might be said that being attacked by Weasley was a clever ruse....um...yes, that's it.

Answer: In Flourish & Blotts, buying Draco's books

This happened not far into the first book, which, I think you will agree, confirms how important a figure I am in the series. I'm always there in the background. The beauty of it is that you never realise what I'm up to until it's already done. I've negotiated my way through the storyline quite well, if I do say so myself.

Answer: False

Only the best for the Slytherin team, I bought them all excellent Nimbus Two Thousand and Ones. I believe Miss Granger suggested that I did this to get Draco on the team. She's right, of course. Can you blame me? Although he will probably never amount to anything, Draco is rather good at Quidditch, so I smoothed the way for him to get on the team. There's the family name to think of...

Answer: Light

My name is derived from 'lux', the Latin for light. Some sources say that the name was given to babies born at dawn. Quite a few Muggles think it is connected to the name Lucifer, the Angel of Light, who was cast into hell and became Satan. Personally, I don't see the connection...Besides, Lucius was also the name of three Popes, one of whom was made a saint, and a few Estruscan kings. So I'd say it was a fairly successful sort of name, and suits me rather well.

Answer: In a secret chamber under the drawing room floor

I sincerely hope you aren't going to take his word for it...No son of mine would ever reveal...Ah. Yes. Excuse me for one moment, I have to send an urgent owl. We'll see how talkative he is after a Howler. Right, moving swiftly on...

Answer: The Hogwarts High Inquisitor

Dolores Umbridge, though undeniably slightly mad, had her uses. Draco has a slight tendency to boast; Madam Marchbanks, the head of the Wizarding Examinations Authority, has never had the honour of dining at the Malfoy manor. Ludo Bagman headed the Department of Magical Games and Sports, and was accused of passing classified information to the Death Eaters. Frankly, he was never convicted because everyone knew he was too stupid to have known what he was doing, and he never had any connection to me. Dirk Cresswell, of the Goblin Liaison Office, was never of any use to me, and therefore not worth spending my time on. I had more important things to do, like getting Cornelius Fudge to obey my every whim.

Answer: Abraxas

Ah yes, dear old father. Died of dragon pox. So sad.

Answer: False

Although I knew that the diary had...qualities...I did not realise that it was a Horcrux. Had I known, I would never have endangered a part of the Dark Lord's soul by sending it to Hogwarts. That's what I told him, anyway.

However, I was merely ensuring the safety of myself and my family. The Ministry of Magic was conducting more and more raids on private houses, which made me increasingly uneasy about hanging onto the diary the Dark Lord had given me. After all, it wasn't just a poison or anything silly like that, the diary was Incriminating with a capital I, lose everything, lifetime in Azkaban, Dementor's Kiss sort of Dark. So I decided to kill two birds with one stone: get rid of the diary by planting it on a Hogwart's student, and who better than a Weasley? What could better complete the triumph of wriggling out of trouble yet again than Arthur Weasley being discredited beyond all measure? I'm brilliant sometimes....But I was thwarted by Potter. I thought I might still be able to scrape through, but the Dark Lord found out...He was not best pleased. I think that if you are handing out diaries containing parts of your soul, you should at least tell people what it is, or put a label on it or something....anything...I took a calculated risk, and it backfired. These things happen.

Answer: 'My slippery friend'

Although the Dark Lord only referred to me as that, I flatter myself that I possess all the other qualities as well. One does one's best, after all. Although I hope I don't scheme so much as plot, or machinate. Scheming is for Muggles. Amateurs.

Answer: 'Let us hope that Mr Potter will always be around to save the day'

The Muggle actor Jason Isaacs thought that I would not have left Dumbledore's office without at least one more comment, so he improvised this line. I rather like it, don't you? I suppose even Muggles have their uses sometimes, so for this I will not *ever* torture Mr Isaacs or any member of his immediate family. Fair's fair, after all.

One of these quotes was said in Borgin & Burke's, and not only did the film-makers presume to squash pages of dialogue into a few sentences, but also dared to cut the scene altogether. Disgraceful. Some of my best upper-class lip-curling was in that scene.

Answer: Neville Longbottom

As you may have noticed, I am a great deal more subtle than my son. I would probably only call someone a Mudblood within the privacy of my own home, or if I was completely sure no one could hear me. However, the fact remains that Miss Granger is of NO wizarding family. And what use have I for Potter's Muggle cousin? Besides torture, obviously.

Although Severus and I may share the ability to produce a sneer for all occasions, he is only a half-blood, as his mother married a Muggle. However, I approve of the fact that he favours Draco, and helped him to complete the task the Dark Lord set him. Draco does not seem to have inherited my talent for self-preservation and he is, after all, my only son. Longbottom's parents were on the wrong side, but at least they were pure-bloods! For that alone, Neville Longbottom was safe from my derision, until he got in my way.

Answer: Department of Mysteries

The mission wasn't exactly my idea of fun. I don't operate well under pressure, I tend to lose my cool when things don't go my way. Look at how I reacted to Potter losing me my servant...I tried my best to keep everyone under control, but people like Bellatrix Lestrange just don't know when to stop.

Although it wasn't certain that the mission to retrieve the prophecy would fail, the Dark Lord had no objections to seeing me go to Azkaban.

Answer: True

Not for much longer, I hope. I know the Dark Lord is a little peeved at me at the moment, but I think you will agree that you can't have a dastardly plan to seize power that doesn't involve me! It just isn't the same without Lucius Malfoy...I will bide my time, until the Dark Lord realises he can't manage without me, then I will make my move.

The first thing I must do is track down J.K. Rowling and convince her to include me in the final book...Don't tell me you didn't miss my plotting and machinating and well-bred sneer in 'Half-Blood Prince'. Yes, we shall have words, the Muggle author and I...