"Crouching Father, Hidden Husband" Quiz

Answer: baseball

Elliot asked a girl to their school dance but someone had already asked her. Grace tells him that at least he tried and Jack says, "That little tartlet!" Grace then says, "You know, Elliot, if this girl turned you down, it just means that there's an even better girl out there for you, and now you'll find her. You're young enough to buy that, aren't you?" Elliot says, "I'm going to finish my homework." Jack then says, "Hey, you know, maybe later, if you're not doing anything, we could do something together, you know? Like, wave at sailors." Elliot says, "I think he means baseball." Jack says, "Baseball. Sure. Fun. Great. Yeah."

Answer: Will

Jack says he can't believe the girl turned Elliot down and Will tells him, "Just make sure you do something fun with him that night. Like when I'd stay home from a dance, my mom and I would bake ginger snaps and watch "Little House on the Prairie." God, I was so gay." Grace says, "No. Don't listen to him. Elliot has to go to that dance.

This is a very tender time for him, and if he doesn't bounce back, this sort of disappointment can leave a deep emotional scar." Jack then asks, "What was his name?" Grace says, "Alan Finkelman.

He took me to my first boy-girl dance. He was so gorgeous, like a Jewish Scott Baio. We had two great dances, and I knew that a slow one was coming, so I ran into the bathroom to reapply my Bonnie Belle Dr. Pepper lipsmacker. And when I came back out, he was dancing with that snooty Sandy Simons. I was heartbroken." Jack says, "Tsk tsk. I remember that story. Will and I read it in your diary." Grace asks, "You read my diary?" Will says, "Hey, I just showed him where it was.

He picked the lock with his bobby pin."

Answer: rum

Will runs off the elevator at Grace Adler Designs and says, "Karen, my office called and said it was some kind of emergency. What's up?" Karen says, "Oh, honey, could you get that paper out of the fax? I got a little jammy-jam." Will says, "Sure. What's the emergency?" Karen speaks slowly as if it will help, "Paper in the fax, got a little jammy-jam." Will says, "You called me out of a business lunch to fix your fax? You do realize it's not my job?" Karen then offers him a tip and Will says, "Karen, I can't take this, knowing that somewhere a traffic cop is gonna go unbribed. Look, I'm a lawyer, which means that unlike you, I have passed a bar. My job, essentially, is..." Karen interrupts him and says, "Honey. Honey, I often ask a lot of people on my staff to do different things. Cook sometimes cleans. Cleaner sometimes cooks. Driver sometimes provides an alibi. We all pitch in!" Will says, "Right, but the difference is that those people live in the palace and serve only the evil queen. Whereas Lawyer works not only for her, but for many of the villagers as well. You understand why I don't have time to fix your fax machine?" Karen says, "No. Why?" Will then says, "Let me try to explain this in terms you'll understand. I'm tequila.

These are my friends gin, vodka, and scotch. Now. You got an emergency. You want a bloody Mary. You've poured yourself a thimble of tomato juice. Who you gonna call? Me? Tequila?" Karen says, "What is this crazy talk? I want my vodka!" Will says, "Exactly. So from now on, you only call tequila when you have a legal problem." Karen then says, "Okay, I get it now. You're comin' in loud and queer!"

Answer: Yes

Will's phone rings and when he answers it, Karen says, "Hi, Grace. Could I talk to Will?" Will says, "Karen, this is Will." Karen says, "Listen, I've got an emergency. You've gotta get over to the manse, tout-de-suite." Will says, "An emergency, huh? You sure vodka can't handle this?" Karen says, "Oh, it's doin' its part, honey.

But I need you, too! The I.N.S. is here. They're taking my Rosario away." Will says, "Karen, this better not..." He then begins to speak to someone else, "Hello? Yes, I'm Mrs. Walker's attorney, but all that paperwork was taken...I see. Well, I'll be right there." The scene changes to Karen's penthouse and we hear a doorbell.

It's Will and Karen says, "Oh, Will. Thank God you're here." Will says, "You've got nothing to worry about. Just because Rosario and Jack are divorced does not mean they can take away her green card." Karen hands him a jar and asks him to open it for her. Will does and asks where the I.N.S. guys are and Karen says, "Oh, gone. I took care of it." Will says, "What do you mean, you took care of it?" Karen says, "Well, alright, you caught me. I just wanted you to open up that jar of olives. Ha ha!" Will says, "You what? I talked to an I.N.S. agent." Karen says, "Oh, honey, that was gardener.

He used to be on "Dark Shadows." He's good, huh?" Will then asks, "Why are you doing this to me?" Karen says, "The first time I did it, I did it because I really needed somebody to help me, but this time I just did it for entertainment."

Answer: Felicity

Jack blames Grace for Nancy dancing with someone else instead of Elliot and pulls her to a bench where two girls are sitting. Grace says, "This is so unfair. I feel like I'm being banished. Jack says, "That's because you are being banished. Now, you will sit here on the freak bench with the other weirdos." He then says to the girls, "No offense, girls. Today's weirdos are tomorrow's daytime talk show hosts and sensitive singer-songwriters." Jack then walsk away and Grace says to them, "Don't worry. I know what you guys are going through, and I can promise it's not always gonna be this hard. I'd like to tell you the story of a plucky young girl who went through the hell of adolescence, came out the other side stronger, self-possessed, with a damn good head of hair, if I do say so myself." One of the girls ask, "Felicity?" Grace says, "No, you weirdo! Me!"

Answer: Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz

Karen's sitting at her desk reading a magazine and she says aloud, "Oh! Look at that. Tom and Penelope. Well, someone will buy it."

Answer: kill carcass

Jack and Elliot are standing near the punch bowl and Jack says, "What's the big deal, Elliot? Just ask her to dance." Elliot says, "I don't want to, okay? She's not my date." Jack says, "So you didn't make the kill. That doesn't mean you can't feed on the carcass." Elliot says, "I can't do it. I was crazy to think she'd even go out with me." Jack then asks, "Why?" Elliot says, "Because I'm a geek, okay? Well, look how good she dances. I can't dance like that. I don't have it in me." Jack says, "Not in you? You got me as a parent. That's like saying Chastity Bono can't wear Bob Mackey."

Answer: Connie

She comes into his office, hands him a folder, and says, "Here are the Polina files." Will says, "Thanks, Connie. Do you want anything else?" Connie tells him, "I had a dream about you last night. We were on the beach, and you weren't wearing a shirt. Oh my God, I can't believe I told you that. I'm so embarrassed." Will says, "Connie, you don't have to be embarrassed." Connie says, "I was breast-feeding you." Will says, "That's embarrassing."

Answer: Agent Poopy Pants

Agent Pembleton says to Will, "Excuse me, Mr. Truman. We're from the FBI. We have a warrant to search the Walker home. Mrs. Walker requests that you be there." The other agent then says, "I'm Agent Korn. This is Agent Pembleton." Will says, "Agent Korn, Agent Pembleton. My name is Agent Poopy Pants." Agent Korn says, "Excuse me?" Will asks, "Did Karen put you up to this?" They then flash their badges and Will says, "Oh, badges. Get those in cub scouts? I myself will never know the joy of scouting because I like to kiss other boys. What are you, actors? My God, the lengths this woman will go to entertain herself." Agent Korn says, "Sir, we're not actors." Will says, "Oh, come on. Sure you are.

In fact, I think I saw you in a commercial for anti-anxiety medicine. You couldn't leave the house? Now you're the life of the party." Agent Pembleton then says, "Sir, this is serious." Will says, "Yeah, I know, I know. You're "FBI agents." But come on. I mean, would actual feds be this ticklish?" He then tickles Agent Pembleton but he stands solid as a rock and then Pembleton says, "For the last 11 months, we've been conducting an investigation into Stanley Walker's financial affairs. We've discovered several discrepancies which have led us to believe..." Will finds a ticklish spot on him and he steps back and says, "Please!" Agent Korn then says, "Sir, maybe we haven't impressed upon you the gravity of the situation." Will says, "I'm aware of the gravity, Agent Korn. I mean, without gravity, could my pants do this?" He then drops his pants and says, "I'm allowed one phone call. You don't mind if I make it with my rear?" He then picks up the phone and sits on it. Just then Karen runs in and says, "Will! Will. Stan's been arrested. Oh, for God's sake, put your pants on. You're my lawyer, not my dentist!" Will then says, "Alright, enough is enough. I'm not buying it." Karen says, "Honey, it's all over the news.

She then turns on the TV and we hear a reporter say, "...Stanley Walker being taken into custody on charges of tax evasion. Federal authorities apprehended Mr. Walker at his home in Manhattan..." Will then says to the agents, "If you have any questions for Mrs. Walker, you can address them to me. Her attorney."

Answer: False

Nancy approaches Elliot in the hall and says, "So, was that your dad?" Elliot says, "Sort of." Nancy says, "Wow, he got up and danced in front of everyone. You were great." Elliot says, "Yeah. Thanks." Nancy says, "At least he's good. How did he learn to do that?" Elliot tells her, "I don't know. Maybe because he's gay." Nancy says, "He is? One of my moms is gay." Elliot says, "Really?" Nancy says, "Yeah, but she's not a good dancer. She built our house, though."