"A Touch Of Glass" Trivia Quiz

Answer: They play "How Much Is That Doggie In The Window"

Del, Rodney and Granddad have driven out of London to bid at an auction in the countryside. Delboy thinks he's hit the jackpot buying a bunch of musical cats made of china. But Rodney thinks it's sick, cat statues playing a song about a dog. Granddad's explanation is probably the most reasonable: "There was a balls-up at the factory."

Answer: Korea

They learn the statues were manufactured in Korea, and Del makes jokes about Korea's attitude to cats and dogs. "Did you know if a North Korean came live in to London, he'd think Battersea Dogs Home was a take-away?" Rodney feels ill but the elder brother just won't stop. "There's nothing they like more than a plate of poodle kebabs, or bull terrier pie. Come on, Rodney! Put your foot down, I'm starving. I could just go a nice Jack Russell-n-chips." Granddad exclaims, "Alright Delboy, that's enough!"

Answer: False

After Rodney finally silences his brother's cracks about animals, they come across a broken down car. A stranded woman is standing helplessly by the roadside, steam pouring from her engine. Rodney wants to help but his brother wants to "get home to the pubs". Rodney protests, "We can't just leave her stuck out here in the middle of nowhere." Del sighs, "You're a right little angel, you are!" but lets his brother stop to help.

But Del is a lot more hospitable when the woman reveals she's Lady Ridgemere, and she lives at the stately home they drove past earlier. "Granddad! Get the tow-rope!"

Answer: Wallace

When the Trotters' van pulls into the mansion's courtyard, followed by Lady Ridgemere's car (it's attached via tow-rope and Granddad's scarf) the butler looks up. "Is everything alright, m'lady?" His employer explains it certainly is not alright, she was stranded in the middle of nowhere.

Then Wallace sees Del and co. and asks, "And who are these people?" Rodney and Granddad certainly do not appreciate the emphasis on "these"! Rodney mutters, "Ponce!". Granddad snorts, "They think we're peasants." Del chuckles. "They may think you two are peasants. Come to that, I think you two are peasants." Del has never seen a mansion like this before, and is determined not to leave Ridgemere Hall without giving the owners a chance to thank him for his help!

Answer: Sight-seers

As the butler moves the broken-down car away and her ladyship goes indoors, the Trotters wonder what to do next. Then his lordship opens an upstairs window and calls "I say! I'm sorry, we're not open to the public for another three weeks." Del calls back that they are actually friends of his wife. Which is a bit... presumptuous of Del, one must say. Lord Ridgemere, a perfect gentleman, invites them in for a drink. Del is confident they will like him.

As he tells his family, "I am one of them that is accepted anywhere. Whether it is drinking lager with the market boys down at Nine Elms, or sipping Pim's Fruit Cup at Hendon Regatta."

Answer: 1642

Those of you familiar with history will know that was also the year the English Civil War began. When Lady Ridgemere tells the Trotters over their drinks that the house was built in 1642, Granddad spoils things. "Still, you've done it out nice." He then asks if the mansion is haunted. Rodney asks, "What are you after? A part-time job?"

Answer: False

Lord and Lady Ridgemere feel obliged to serve the Trotters some drinks in their living room. They are civil enough but they are clearly hoping this will be a short visit. Del vainly attempts to make conversation and sound clever but, true to form, does not succeed. Wallace, the snooty butler, produces the brandy Del requested - "I am afraid we have run out of cream soda." Del says, "Don't worry about it, Wallace" and gets the reply, "I shan't, sir." (Del misses the sarcasm.) Lady Ridgemere mentions once or twice, "You must be in a hurry to get home, Mr. Trotter." But Del, not good at picking up subtle hints, says, "No no, got all the time in the world." (He doesn't notice her husband hissing, "Get rid of them!")

Answer: Chandelier

"Ah! And about time too. You will excuse me?" His lordship has been waiting for this particular firm to contact him for over a fortnight. After he leaves the room, Del suddenly remembers the china cats they bought; he has noticed Lady Ridgemere's fondness for porcelain ornaments.

He ducks out to the van to get her one and on his way back walks past his lordship grumbling, "Yes, I'll hold on." The old man is annoyed, as he has been expecting an estimate for chandelier-cleaning for the last three weeks, and now they can't even find the paperwork! While he is waiting, Del shows him the cat.

His lordship is surprised it plays a tune about a dog - "The thing is a CAT." Del pretends to examine the figurine carefully "Oh! Well you're right 'n' all! It's times like this I wish *I* went to Cambridge." He then disappears around the corner, not noticing his remark has been taken the wrong way.

Answer: 5 pounds

Del gives one to Lady Ridgemere. Later, as the Trotters are leaving she says, "I'm sorry we weren't able to pay you for it. But neither my husband nor I carry cash." Del says cheerfully "Never mind, pay me next time I'm down." She nods. "Yes of course... what do you mean NEXT time?" She and her husband panic. Are these strange characters coming to visit them again? But Del changes his mind and lets her keep it as "a token" of his esteem.

Answer: True

Del overhears Lord Ridgemere on the phone arguing. "1,200 pounds!? Are you sure you're looking at the right paperwork?" All his lordship wants is someone to come and clean two of his chandeliers and make some minor repairs. Del smiles and listens intently as his lordship argues about the quote and the chandeliers' age, make and model. Shortly thereafter the Trotters are moving towards the front-door. "Sorry we can't stay any longer," Del tells their hosts.

They assure him it's perfectly alright. Then Del pretends to spot the two chandeliers for the first time.

He cries, "Beautiful!" Lady Ridgemere, still trying to be polite, says, "Yes. Goodbye!" Then Del mildly surprises them by asking "French crystal?" "Yes, it is actually." His lordship wouldn't have thought someone like Del would know. Del nods, "Thought so. That's 17th century, innit Granddad?" His bewildered grandfather agrees, not sure what Del's up to. "One of the Louis' if I'm not mistaken, eh Rodney?" Del's brother agrees, likewise wondering what's going on. Del finally concludes, "That is Louis the 14th! Am I right, your lordship?" Astonished, the old boy replies, "Spot on, Trotter."

Answer: False

Del explains that the Trotter family's business is chandeliers! "Asking a Trotter if he knows anything about chandeliers is like asking Mr. Kipling if he knows anything about cakes." He bats an eyelid at Granddad and Rodney and they concur. That of course isn't true, but Del is impressing his two hosts with his "knowledge" of chandeliers. You've got to hand it to Del; he can be very inventive on the spur of the moment.

He claims "Our forefathers used to make 'em! Did you know there are still four Trotters 'anging in Buckingham Palace?" What a liar! But we love him.

Answer: Port

Del adds since chandeliers are not a common commodity anymore, the Trotters tend to specialize in renovations. "Er," his lordship interrupts "Do you mean to say you can take that thing down and clean and repair it?" Del, pretending not to be overjoyed the old man has taken the bait, says they could do so blindfolded.

Then he realises how late it is and he mustn't keep his hosts any longer. But he has just become Lord Ridgemere's new best friend. "No hurry Trotter, no hurry!" The old boy puts a friendly arm around Del "I... I've just remembered. I've got a rather special bottle of port.

It's through there in the study. What say we open it and have a bit of a chat, eh?" He leads the Cockney conman in the direction of the study. Del pretends to be surprised, "Oh that's very civil of you, my lord!" and winks at Rodney and Granddad - who are still staring at each other in astonishment.

Answer: Superglue and Windolene

Back home, over a dinner of fish 'n' chips, Rodney is trying to discourage Del's crazy scheme. "Don't be a plonker all your life, Rodney!" cries Del, "I've done the deal now." He quoted his lordship a lot less than 1,200. Rodney protests that one needs specialised equipment for a job like this, and Del's probably going to use super-glue and windolene. Del shakes his head; he knows a panelbeater who owes him a favour and he'll get the right equipment. Del is desperate for this venture. For years he's hoped to succeed in business, and this is the chance he's been waiting for! Once they do the job, their name will spread and plenty of other dukes and earls will hire them.

It will be like entering a new world. Del adds, "It'll be like Alex through the looking glass!" (Once Rodney's gone to bed, Del asks Granddad to see if they've got any windolene and superglue...)

Answer: A chandelier is dropped and smashes

Lord and Lady Ridgemere have gone on holiday when The Trotters return. Del and co. are wearing white overalls, coats and ties, doing their best to look like genuine chandelier professionals. Only the moody butler is home, and he can't understand why Granddad has to go upstairs to remove floorboards. Del, still sounding like an expert, explains all chandeliers are held in position by a locking bolt 'n' nut in the ceiling.

The butler leaves them to it, muttering, "We learn something new every day." The brothers put a ladder either side of the first chandelier and hold out a sheet, ready to catch it when Granddad releases the bolt. "This is the chance I've been waiting for," Del reminds his brother, "Now don't let me down." The two brothers brace themselves. Granddad calls downstairs he's releasing the bolt. Del and Rodney grip the sheet tight...and the OTHER chandelier falls and shatters into a million pieces!

Answer: His legs

Looking at all the shattered glass, the Trotters realise they've made their biggest blunder ever! In fairness to Granddad, unscrewing the wrong bolt is an easy mistake to make. Case in point: John Sullivan's father was a professional chandelier cleaner in the 1930s and likewise undid the wrong nut and bolt.

But our heroes doubt his lordship will see the funny side. Granddad says helplessly "I was working on the other one. Is it very valuable, Del?" The elder brother assures his grandfather "Not really, no.

It was bleeding priceless when it was 'anging UP THERE, THOUGH!" Suddenly, the butler appears. "It's broken! I shall telephone his lordship at his cottage, immediately!" Del grumbles, "Well tell him to ring us at home. Oh, by the way, does his lordship have our home address and telephone?" Wallace recalls he does not. "Good!" said Del "Right! Out of here!" The three comedians move like lightning! They bundle their gear into the back of the van and Rodney's still at it when Del starts the engine. Poor Rodney has to race after the van, jump in, and leave with his legs sticking out as buckets and odds and ends roll round the mansion driveway.