"South Park" - "Proper Condom Use" Quiz

Answer: magnifying glass

Kyle and Stan had a plastic Jennifer Lopez doll sitting in a car and they were playing at threatening her life. She swore not to "make albums or movies" but her "captors" were impervious to her pleas and used the magnifying glass to focus the sun's rays on her, causing her head to melt and shrivel under the heat!

Answer: milking a dog

Cartman showed the other boys that he could "milk" a dog until it made milk, but the other boys were a bit skeptical until Cartman demonstrated. Stan immediately rushed home to show his parents. What the boys didn't realize, though, was that the fifth graders had been playing a trick on them and had actually shown Cartman how to manually stimulate a dog until it ejaculated.

When the adults at the Marsh house for their Book Club meeting saw Stan performing this feat, they were understandably horrified!

Answer: sexually transmitted diseases

Ms. Choksondik settled down the class by saying, "Alright girls, even though this may be stuff you don't want to hear, you need to hear it." When Wendy and Bebe replied that they were eager, even "excited," about the lesson and thought it would be "fun," Ms. Choksondik went straight for a scare tactic and told the girls about the sexually transmitted diseases they could contract if they didn't get boys to wear condoms.

Answer: Gladiators

After the girls ran away from them in the cafeteria, the boys went straight to the pharmacy to buy condoms. The male pharmacist was reticent, arguing that kids their age shouldn't be having sex and they wouldn't even have condoms small enough to fit.

The assistant told him that it was their job to "make sure they're protected" and told him that size wouldn't be an issue: "We just got in the new Gladiators for kids. 'Lil Mini's. They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only $5.95 for a box of fifty."

Answer: "That guy with the really big head."

Ms. Choksondik had just told Mr. Mackey that she was still a virgin because she hadn't been very popular in school, and Mr. Mackey explained that he understood her plight: "I wasn't exactly the captain of the football team, either, huh huh, hehe, anyhow... And then as I got older my... my head just sorta seemed to get bigger while the rest of my body stayed the same. That's how I got my nickname in college. [...] 'That guy with the really big head.'"

Answer: rubber band

After the boys bought their condoms, they made Butters play guinea pig and try one on:
Butters: [upon unwrapping the condom] Why, it's just a little doughnut. Oh... It's all gooey."
Cartman: "Just put it on, Butters."
Butters: "Ha- how come I gotta go first?"
Cartman: "Butters, will you stop ff-fili-bustering?"
Butters: "A-a-a-alright, man. O-o-o-h, it's sticky."
Kyle: "It says you gotta check it for holes or tears."
Butters: "I don't even understand how this thing... Ooh, wait. Oh, I see."
Stan: [seeing Cartman leaning in for a better look] Don't look at Butters' schlong, gaymo!"
Cartman: "I wasn't looking at his schlong, I was seeing how to put the condom on!"
Kyle: "Sure."
Butters: "But it won't stay on. I- I need a rubber band or somethin'."
Tweek: "Ah, I got rubber bands!"
Butters: "Ow! Huhuh, ow! Okay, eh. Ow! There. Okay, I think it's on."
Stan: "How do you feel?"
Butters: "Pretty good!"
Cartman: "Do you feel protected?"
Butters: "Yeah, there ain't nothin' that's gettin' in my wiener through this thing! A-and it's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can... pee in it."

Answer: his mouth

After finding out that the fourth graders had gone out and bought condoms, the teachers decided sex ed should start in kindergarten, so, with the help of a model phallus, Mr. Garrison was put in charge of teaching the young kids how to put on a condom: "First of all you remove the condom from its package.

Then you find which way the condom rolls out. Put it in your mouth... and apply. And it's as simple as that. Any questions?" The kids looked confused and horrified, but Mr. Garrison felt he'd done his job!

Answer: "walk away"

In an homage to "Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior", Butters donned a mask and warned the girls in a strangely deep and raspy voice, "Just walk away. You can put a stop to all this. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. Just walk away." The girls were not swayed by Butters' speech, and as a show of strength, Bebe tossed a boomerang into the mob of boys, striking Kenny in the head with a fatal blow.

Answer: no

Despite issuing so many admonishments to the kids, Ms. Choksondik didn't seem overly concerned when she found out Mr. Mackey didn't have a condom, and they went ahead and did the deed without!

Answer: 17

After Chef finally got to have his say, that "sex is emotional and spiritual [and] needs to be taught by family," Stan turned to him for an important answer:
Stan: "But Chef, when is the right age for us to start having sex?"
Chef: "It's very simple, children. The right time to start having sex is... 17."
Kyle: "17?"
Chef: "17."
Sheila Broflovski: "So you mean 17 as long as you're in love?"
Chef: "Nope, just 17."
Gerald Broflovski: "But, what if you're not ready at 17?"
Chef: "Seventeen! You're ready."